Jokes

[bananadong]

A police officer pulled over a man and told him because he had been wearing his seat belt, he won $1000 in their giveaway. The officer asked the man what he was going to do with the money and the man replied "Well, I'm guess I'll go to driving school and get my license". The man's wife quickly leaned over and told the officer "Officer don't listen to him. He's a smart ass when he's drunk". This woke up the guy sleeping in the backseat who, upon seeing the cop, blurted out "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car". At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked "Are we over the border yet?"

[bananadong]

I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to have sex with her or not. If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be screwing her. If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to get close enough to use the taser.

[bananadong]

A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day. "What for!" he snapped at the judge. His Honour, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented "That's all right. You don't have to pay now". The young man replied "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words".

[bananadong]

A boy asks the Church Priest "What are you doing, Father?" "It's called masturbating. You'll be doing this soon" replies the priest. "Why Father?" "Because my wrist is killing me".

[bananadong]

One day Little Susie got her 'monthly' for the very first time. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

[bananadong]

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price".

[bananadong]

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You don't want to try these techniques at home". "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years" the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes" replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in eleven".

[bananadong]

A man finds his dog with a dead rabbit in its mouth. He realises that the rabbit is a pet of his next-door neighbour. In a panic he cleans the rabbit up and sneaks it into its cage, hoping his neighbour will think their pet died of natural causes. Next day he spots his neighbour digging a hole in the flower beds and goes over to investigate. "What are you doing?" asks the man.
"Burying my rabbit again" replies the neighbour. "There sure are some sick people around here. The rabbit dropped dead on Monday, I buried it on Tuesday, and on Wednesday some bastard dug it up, gave it a wash and stuck it back in its cage".

[bananadong]

The blonde and the brunette are in New York preparing to leave for a two-week cruise. The Blonde's boyfriend has just given her a new Rolls. Nevertheless, she is fuming because Honeybear didn't give her any extra money to store the vehicle during the trip. The brunette smiles and says she will handle it. So, the brunette leaves the hotel with the blonde in tow. Together they walk across the street into a bank. The brunette asks for the loan officer. She says she and her friend are going to Europe on business for two weeks and they need to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the brunette tells the blonde to hand over the keys to her new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the stupid blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the brunette and the blonde return, repay the $5,000 plus the interest, which comes to $15.41. There is something bothering the loan officer. He says to the beautiful blonde "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that this car was purchased by a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies "You have to ask my friend. I have no idea what is going on". The brunette replies... "Where else in New York City can we park this car for two weeks for only $15.41 and fully expect it to safely be here when we return? You have provided an excellent service for which we are grateful".

[bananadong]

One day a father gets off of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers " Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson answers:

"Sir, 'Divorced Barbie' is a complete set. She comes with:

Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Dog, Ken's Children, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... as a special feature, Ken's Best Friend".

[bananadong]

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim".
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..."
"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be okay," the Priest replied, lifted his robe, and almost immediately he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert this in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the fuck out of here!"

[bananadong]

A farmer and his wife were headed to market one day. They get a few miles down the road and the mule pulling the wagon just stops and refuses to move.
The farmer gets off of the wagon and walks around to the front of the wagon, grabs the mule by the ears and looks him in the eyes and says "That's one".
The farmer climbs back on the wagon and they get a few more miles down the road when the mule just stops again. So, the farmer gets off the wagon and grabs the mule by the ears again and looks him in the eyes and says "That's two".
The farmer gets back on the wagon and they get a few more miles down the road when the mule stops again. The farmer just gets off the wagon with his shotgun and shoots the mule dead right there in the road.
The farmer's wife starts yelling at him "Why did you do that? We are miles from town and miles from home what the hell is wrong with you are you stupid?!!"
The farmer walks up to his wife and grabs her by the ears and says "That's one".

[bananadong]

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the Forrest when she sees the wolf crouched behind a tree. "I can see you, Big Bad Wolf" she shouts, and the wolf runs away. Five minutes later and there's the wolf couched behind the tree again. "I can see you, Big Bad Wolf" she shouts and the wolf again runs off. Another 5 minutes and there he is again. "I can see you, Big Bad Wolf!!" And the wolf shouts "I wish you'd fuck off! I'm trying to have a shit!"

[bananadong]

This ageing man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... I've left instructions for your mother to come and live with you and your wife..."

[bananadong]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a freak skydiving accident." The blonde upset by this, starts sobbing "That's horrible! So many men being killed that way!" Confused the Husband explains "Yes dear it is sad, but there is a risk involved in sky diving" After a few minutes the blonde wife, still sobbing says "How many is a Brazilion?"

[bananadong]

One day the first-grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said "I think he said 'Holy SHIT! A talking pig!'"

[bananadong]

The owner of a chemist walks in to find a guy pushing his back against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" Clerk "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative". Owner "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" Clerk "Oh yeah? Look at him... he's too fucking scared to cough!"

[bananadong]

A gay couple is traveling on a plane. Let's call them Simon and Brad.
"What if we had sex?" asks Simon. "Are you crazy? Here... on the plane? It would be awkward... everyone would watch us doing it!" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Simon stands up and asks loudly "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody bats an eyelid. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Brad. So Simon and Brad have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the arse..."

[bananadong]

I was at this wedding, and I said to the bloke next to me "Fucking hell, that bride is ugly". "Do you mind? That's my daughter!" came the reply. I said "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were her father".
"I'm not, I'm her mother".

[bananadong]

A grade school teacher meets her new class at the start of the year and starts asking them their names. She goes to the first child "What is your name?" The girl replied "Lilly". The teacher says "That's a lovely name, how did you get your name?" The girl replied "Because when I was born a lilly landed on me". She goes to the second child "What is your name?" The girl replied "Daisy". The teacher says "That's a lovely name, how did you get your name?" The girl replied "Because when I was born a daisy landed on me". She goes to the third child "What is your name?" "FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDGGE"

[bananadong]

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon". Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago". The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. "Now, what was it she wanted?" The clerk answered "Snow".

[bananadong]

A man farts in bed next to his wife. His wife asks "What in the world was that?" He replies "Try! I'm winning, seven nothing". She decides to get even, so she lets one loose. He yells at her "What was that?" She replies "Try! Tied score". He wants to get her back, but he tries so hard he shits the bed. The wife asks "Now what in the world was that?" He replies "Halftime, switch sides".

[bananadong]

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You obviously weren't listening".

[bananadong]

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied "How very sporting of your mother!"

[bananadong]

Two men are waiting for a train. The younger man asks the older man for the time, but the older man ignores him. After a while, the younger man again asks for the time and again the older man ignores him. Frustrated, the younger man finally asks "Why won't you answer me when I ask you for the time. The older man sighs and explains "Look, if I tell you the time, we'll start to talk. Then when the train comes, you might sit down next to me. Perhaps we'll get to know each other, and maybe I'll eventually invite you to my house for Shabbat dinner. Maybe then you and my daughter would really get along; why, you might even get engaged! And why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

[bananadong]

"We should always help abled people" says Miss Mandy to the class. "Would anyone like to share a story where you helped one?" she asks. Kevin stands up and says "I, with my 4 friends, made a blind woman cross a road!" Miss Mandy says "Wow! That's amazing! But, may I ask, why did it take 5 of you for this simple task?" "Umm... I think she didn't want to cross it..."

[bananadong]

A vicious burglar breaks into a house late at night, orders the couple out of bed and ties them up. Now the husband is a big sissy, afraid of his own shadow, so he whispers to his wife "Darling, do whatever he says. If he wants sex with you, then let him have it, otherwise he might hurt us". "Whatever you say" replies his wife. "By the way, he told me he thought you had a nice, tight little butt".

[bananadong]

A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says "Go tell your Daddy what you just said!" The boy finds his father and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says "Now, what do you have to say for yourself?" The boy replies "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black cunts!"

[bananadong]

Dr. Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference held in his hometown. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.
As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"
Dr. Drobkin replied "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away".
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return".
The clerk consoled him "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too".
Dr. Drobkin replied "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment".
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years".
The clerk asked "Was it before or after the Drobkin Fart?"

[bananadong]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs. One night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond in the 4th row stands on her chair and launches into a tirade...
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person - Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general, and you disguise your contempt behind a cover phrase called 'humour!' Well, I know better. I don't appreciate what you say one bit! And it isn't funny!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist stammers as he begins to apologize. The blond easily interrupts him and yells "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little shit man on your knee and if he doesn't shut up I'm gonna come up there and smash his face in!"