Jokes

[bananadong]

A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman" he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

[bananadong]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks "What is politics?" Dad says "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense".

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now". The father says "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about". The little boy replies "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit".

[bananadong]

Thought I'd seen the end of the Trick or Treaters after I'd poured a bucket of piss over the last lot through my upstairs window, but, fuck me, within five minutes two much older looking kids knocked on the door and got the same treatment. I'd love to see them explain the smell when they take those police costumes back to the fancy dress shop.
--
A guy dressed as a chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg. Apparently, the answer is Chicken.
--
As I came out of the supermarket today, I saw a charity worker standing in the rain. On the front of his bucket was written 'Collecting For The People Of Africa' I thought to myself, it'd be quicker to find a tap."
--
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and *BOOM* she had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husbands turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand, and *BOOM* he was ninety.
--
Hello everyone. For almost the entirety of my life I have been a detritivore. What does this mean? Well essentially this means I eat dead things. Yes, I do eat steak and other carcass. But I would almost always rather eat fresh Road kill. When I was about 12 years old my friend Timmy and I would play ball in my driveway. One time I threw the ball a little too far ahead and Timmy ran after it. Timmy ran into the road and was killed instantly by oncoming traffic. I ran over to him, kneeled down, and fed on Timmy's body, I also then marinated his remains. Timmy’s mother never got the closure on how Timmy disappeared. Unfortunately, she ended up hanging herself. I ended up consuming her as well.
--
A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him "Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys". And he said "I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney". The nurse replied "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black".
--
Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, angry, short tempered, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press. Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
--
A very badly beaten up man came to a hospital. The Dr asked what the hell happened to him. Man: I was banging my neighbour over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said: It's my husband! Quick, try the back door. Man: Thinking back I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
--
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. I replied "Yes just once". The doctor asked "What was it like?" I said "It was dark, then suddenly very bright".

[bananadong]

I went to the doctor the other day for a check-up. He said "I'm sorry but you're going to have to stop wanking". I said "Why's that?" and he said "Because I'm trying to examine you".
--
I met this girl in the bar the other night and she told me to come over to her house because there'd be nobody home. As it turned out, she was right, got there and there was nobody home.
--
My wife said she was constantly frustrated by my complete lack of sense of direction. So I packed up my bags and right.
--
"I thought my new girlfriend might be the one" said Paddy to his mate Seamus. "But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me".
--
A woman calls the police to report a flasher. He was in a car and stopped next to her to ask directions. He has a map in his lap and when he lifted it up, he had his knob out. The police asked her "Was he in a state of arousal?" "No" she said "it was a Ford Mondeo".

[bananadong]

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots" the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll be kicked off the train!"

Sure enough, on board the train, they could hear the ticket master in the next car, saying "Tickets please".

The three engineers ran into the train bathroom and closed the door. The ticket master came in and knocked on the door and said "Tickets please".

They slipped the ticket under the door and the ticket master moved on.

"That's brilliant!" The mathematicians exclaimed. "We should do that on our way home!"

After the conference ended and they were traveling home the mathematicians all bought one ticket to share between them... and the engineers didn't buy ANY ticket at all!

"What a bunch of idiots" the mathematicians said. "What are they going to do when the ticket master comes through? They'll be kicked off the train".

On the train they soon heard the ticket master in the next car saying "Tickets please".

All three mathematicians ran into one bathroom and closed the door. All three engineers ran into the other bathroom and closed the door. As soon as both doors were closed, an engineer came out of the bathroom and knocked on the mathematician's door and said "Tickets please".

[bananadong]

Gerry goes to see his doctor and tells him that he's unable to make his wife orgasm and it's become a problem in their marriage. The doctor gives him a quick physical and can't find anything wrong, so starts quizzing him about other possible causes.

"Is your bedroom too hot or too cold?" he asks. Gerry tells him it's actually stifling in there, so the doctor suggests he get an air conditioner. "There's no way I could afford that on my wages" he says.

The doctor asks if Gerry has a close, trusted friend who he could ask to stand at the end of the bed and wave a towel to keep them cool. "I could ask my mate Tommy, I suppose" says Gerry.

That night, Tommy comes over and proceeds to wave the towel while Gerry gets to work. After half an hour the earth still hasn't moved so Gerry calls a halt.

"This isn't working. Let's swap places for a bit" Gerry says.

Tommy strips down and mounts up and within five minutes Gerry's wife is screaming "Oh God! I'm coming!"

When things have calmed down and everyone has their breath back, Gerry turns to Tommy and says... "Now THAT’S how you wave a towel!"

[bananadong]

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has naturally has squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad" he says "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course".

So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the new money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm" he says "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ!?" says his father "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class".

His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to talk to him discuss the newspaper stories".

"Dad" the boy says "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned around and said how much he was looking forward to discussing marriage and infidelity with mum. He then asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street? I'd love to meet her again as dad always gives me a treat when we go visit her when mum is at work'".

The father says "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

[bananadong]

A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a rest room facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied.

The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies' room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow!"

So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha!" he thought "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services".

So, he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great" he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies' room on the plane.

The nurse explained "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, what is left of your penis and scrotum is under your pillow".

[bananadong]

A farmer has four beautiful daughters. He's a bit overprotective of them, so when Friday date night rolls around, he greets the gentlemen callers at the door with a shotgun over his shoulder.

Friday night rolls around, and the doorbell rings, so he walks to it, shotgun in hand, and opens it to a young man who says "Hi, I'm Freddy! I'm here to pick up Betty! We're gonna go eat spaghetti! Is she ready?"

The farmer is a bit bewildered by this greeting, but he can't see anything wrong with this guy, so he tells him: "Okay, have her home by 10".

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says "Hi, I'm Jim! I'm here to pick up Kim! We're gonna go for a swim! Can I come in?"

The farmer is again bewildered by the greeting, but again, he can't see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: "Okay, have her home by 10, and no funny business in the pool".

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says "Hi, I'm Joe! I'm here to pick up Flo! We're gonna go to a show! Can she go?"

By now, the farmer is completely dumbfounded by these greetings, but again, he can't see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: "Okay, have her home by 10".

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings one last time, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: "Hi, I'm Chuck..." and the farmer shoots him.

[bananadong]

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus and drove off along the route.

No problems for the first few stops. A few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said. "Big John doesn't pay!" And sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and meek? Well, he was.

Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day and the one after that, and so forth.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally, he could stand it no longer.

He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said. "Big John doesn't pay!" The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed. "And why not?" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied. "Big John has a bus pass!"

[bananadong]

A cab driver picks up a beautiful nun. He won't stop staring at her. She asks what's wrong. She says he can tell her anything.

He says he's sorry, but he's always had fantasies about nuns - wanted to be kissed by one.

She tells him it's all right. But she just has two questions: Is he Catholic, and is he single?

He tells her he is Catholic, and he is single.

"Okay" she says "Pull into the next alley".

They pull into an alley and the nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

When they've finished, the man's crying. She asks him what's wrong?

"I'm sorry" he says "I can't lie to you. I'm married, and I'm Jewish".

"That's okay" says the nun "My name's Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party".

[bananadong]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge nine-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts "Fuck! This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[bananadong]

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you?" "I was with Jessica". He replied. "What were you doing?" "We were studying". After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely". Dad replies "Wash your hands son - they're doughnuts!"
--
I'm getting totally fucking fed up with people whinging about the prices of things. $1.25 for a tea, $1.75 for a coffee, $2 for a slice of cake and $2.50 for car parking; anymore complaints I will honestly stop inviting my friends' round to my house!
--
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says "Well dear, mummy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex". The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mummy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey". The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery".
---
My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" He asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend" said my wife. "There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all". Said the psychiatrist. "We haven't got a son". I replied.
--
Me and a buddy rented a boat and went fishing on a lake we had never been to before. For several hours we tried everything we could think of and just could not catch anything. We moved to a spot at the far end of the lake and on the first cast and every cast after, we caught fish. Daylight was running out so I had my buddy mark the spot so we could come back tomorrow. When we reached shore I asked my buddy if he had marked the spot. He replyed "Yup I drew a big X on the side of the boat". I thought about it for a second before I exclaimed "You idiot... what if we don't rent the same boat tomorrow?"
--
A man wins $100,000 at Las Vegas. When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mute-deaf at his door. "Tell him I want to know where he hid the money!" the man yells. The professor conveys this to the mute-deaf and he responds with sign language that he hid the money under the cherry tree in his backyard. The professor turns to the man and says "He won't tell you. He says that he'd rather die first.
--
Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs. Nine months later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs. "Wow" one of the gay men says "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here". A nurse who happens to be walking by says "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass".
--
We've done a survey on how people walk home from the pub. The results are staggering.
--
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands she open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, it's just a sperm bank!" "I don't care, open it now!!" he replies. So, she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples??" "DO IT!" So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well". So, the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally, after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says "See honey - it's not that hard!"

[bananadong]

Police have confirmed a man has been arrested after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it. He is due to be bailed tomorrow.
--
I was sitting at the table reading the paper when the wife exploded "That's IT! I'm sick of it! All I ever do around here is cook!" she yelled. "HEY! That's not on!" I blurted over the paper. "What? I'm not even entitled to an opinion anymore?" She said defiantly. "I was referring to the oven".
--
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. The doctor said, when you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try giving yourself a fright. The man thought he'd give it a try and so bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, how did it go? The man answered, not that well, when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit my cock and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!

[bananadong]

An Irish couple were returning home from holidays in Africa where they had done a few Safari's, and decided to each bring back a rare African animal as a souvenir of their trip.

Mick was carrying back a rare African snake, and Mary had a rare African skunk.

As their aircraft was approaching Dublin Airport, the cabin manager announces on the intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, as we are now approaching Dublin Airport, please ensure that your tray tops are folded, your seatbacks are in the upright position, and your seat-belts are securely fastened. If you have been in contact with any foreign plants or animals, please report to the Deptartment of Agriculture desk in the arrivals hall"

Well poor Mick and Mary went into a mad panic altogether, thinking that their rare souvenirs would be confiscated, when suddenly, Mick had a brilliant idea.

"Mary" he says. "I'm going to put the snake around my waist and pretend that it's a rare African ornamental belt if I'm stopped".

"That's fine for you" says Mary. "But what am I going to do with this skunk?"

"Sure, why don't you shove it down the front of your knickers" says Paddy.

Mary responds "But what about the smell?"

"Feck it" says Mick "If he dies, he dies".

[bananadong]

A professional duck hunter is in the market for a new bird dog. His search ends when he finds a dog that can actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, the hunter is sure none of his friends will ever believe him.

First, he decides to try to tell one of his friends, an eternal pessimist who refuses to be impressed by anything.

So, the man invites his friend to hunt with him and his new dog. As they wait by the shore, a few ducks fly by. They shoot, and a duck falls. The dog responds and jumps into the water. But the dog does not sink. Instead, he walks across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

This continues all day long; each time a duck falls, the dog walks across the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watches carefully, sees everything, but does not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asks his friend "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did" replies his friend. "He can't swim".

[bananadong]

Mark and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a bit or light prostitution. She's not quite sure what to do, so Mark says "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred bucks. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner".

So she stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?" "A hundred bucks" she says. He replies "All I got is thirty".

She says "Hold on" and runs back to Mark and asks. "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job" Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty is a hand job.

He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this huge willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back".

She runs back to Keith.

"What's wrong?" he asks. "Any chance you could lend this guy $70?"

[bananadong]

A wife asks her husband "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship".

"If I died and you remarried" the wife asks "would she live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would".

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house" the wife asks "would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would".

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no" the husband replies. "She's left-handed!"

[bananadong]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.
The teacher asked "Harry, what exactly is your problem?"


Harry answered "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions, he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9.".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her "Y'know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade" But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal "Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions".

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs.".

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: "Pockets.". to the principal's great relief.....


Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants".


By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied "Bubble gum".

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands".

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question...


Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an "F" and ends in "K" and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck".

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher "Put the little bastard in 5th grade. I got the last seven questions wrong myself!"

[bananadong]

A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years. He recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook tea with the other, dust with one foot while sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her ass. Shes a swiss army wife.
--
My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.
--
A tourist was fishing off the coast of Florida when his boat tipped over. He could swim, but he was afraid of alligators and hung on to the side of the overturned boat. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted out "Are there any 'gators around here?" "Naw" the man hollered back. "They haven't been around here for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming calmly toward the shore. About halfway there, he asked the guy "How'd you get rid of the 'gators?" "We didn't do anything" said the beachcomber. "The sharks got 'em".
--
Police are reporting that a nine-year-old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.
--
Father: "Son, you were adopted". Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!" Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes".
--
When I woke this morning, my wife was standing in the kitchen looking sexy in her nightie, and preparing my usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast. As I walked in she turned to me and said "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" We went at it, there and then on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said "Thanks" pulled down her nightie and returned to the stove. "How come you're so horny this morning" I said. "I'm not" she replied "The egg timer's broken".
--
A deaf old lady walks into her local fishmongers and asks for a piece of cod "Sorry, Ma'am, we've got no cod" "Yes, sonny, a nice piece of cod" "We have NO cod" "I don't want haddock, just the cod" This exchange continues with the fishmonger getting more and more exasperated. He grabs a piece of paper and in big bold letters writes CFOD and shows it to the lady. With a puzzled look, she says "There's no f in cod" "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
--
I told my wife "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight". She asked me "What is that?" I explained "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!" "Okay" she said "I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second... we don't go down past my mother's".
--
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse called Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $5,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
--
Six friends -two straight guys and a gay guy- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny". Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously "It doesn't look good, Dick".

[bananadong]

"Looking at your palm" said the fortune teller "I can tell you're single and sexually frustrated, and have been for a while". "That's amazing!" I said. "How did you know?" "Your dick is in it" she replied.
--
I said to my doctor "I've badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident". He said "Did you fall off your board?" I said "No, I slammed the laptop shut when the wife walked in"
--
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead! THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap!

[bananadong]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell.

As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a Satan. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I LOVE to drink." "Well you're gonna LOVE Monday's then. On Monday's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet the lot We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great!"

"You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "Well you're gonna LOVE Tuesday's. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie! You're already dead, remember?"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble?" "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesday's you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow".

"You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I LOVE drugs! You don't mean...?" "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realised Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?" "No," came the reply. "Ooooh, then you're gonna hate the weekend!"

[bananadong]

A young man, kind of a slow learner, had started work on a farm. The boss sent him to an outside field to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late for supper. The boss gets on the mobile to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck here. I've hit a pig!" said the young man. "Ah well, these things happen sometimes" the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark".

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me if I get too close!"

"Never mind" says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home".

"Okay, boss" said the young man.

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the kid. The boss gets back on the mobile. "What's the problem now, son?" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck" replied the young man. "What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" asked the boss. The young man replied "Yeah boss, but the bloody pig's motorbike is still jammed under the truck's front wheels".

[bananadong]

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done".

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex". Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that".

[bananadong]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day.

The daughter said to the mother "My hands are freezing cold". The mother replied "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up".

So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said "My hands are freezing cold". The daughter said "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up".

He did, and his hands warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said "My nose is freezing cold". The daughter said "Put it between my legs. It will warm up".

He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said "My penis is frozen solid".

Later, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says "Well, they make one heck of a mess when they thaw out.

[bananadong]

A wealthy businessman takes a trip to Africa and brings along his pet beagle.

One day, wandering about, he notices a tiger heading quickly in his direction with the intent of having the beagle as a snack. Worried, the beagle thinks, "Oh no, what am I going to do?"

Just then he notices some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the tiger is about to pounce, the beagle says loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious tiger. I wonder if I can find another".

Hearing this, the tiger stops himself and slinks away, terrified, into the trees. "Whew" says the tiger. "That was close. That beagle nearly had me".

Meanwhile, a monkey who was watching the whole scene figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the tiger. So he scurries off to go inform him. But the beagle sees the monkey heading after the tiger with great speed and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the tiger, spills the beans, and strikes a deal. The tiger is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, come along and see what I'm going to do to that conniving canine".

Now the beagle sees the tiger coming with the monkey and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the clever beagle sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the beagle says: "Where's that bloody monkey? I sent him off ages ago to bring me another tiger".

[bananadong]

A man walks into a doctor's office and the doctor sits him down. "OK what is your problem sir?" "I am half deaf" he replied. "That's ridiculous! You can't be half deaf! There is no such thing!" "Yes there is!" "OK OK! Go down the hall and I'll shout a number and you shout it back". "OK!" He said "When he got to the end of the hall the doctor shouts down. "88" shouted the doctor. "44" shouted the man.
--
My Grandma discovered an online knitting forum. She was upset the other day, apparently she used the *wrong thread* and the Mods banned her.
--
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies "I'd wait until he's at least 14".
--
A woman heard her husband come home when she was in bed with her lover. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner". She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to" she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue". "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue" she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too". No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here" he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water".
--
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin. How's it going?" Having already downed a few doubles, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye(s) and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it". Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
--
Dear Charlie, We've been neighbours for six tumultuous years. When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces. When I was sick, you blasted Metallica. And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed. I could go on, but I'm not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire. Cordially, Harry
--
In sixth grade at St. Gabriel's Catholic school, Fr. Matthew is teaching the kids about sex ed. He finally reaches a pause and says "We all know pornography is bad. It is very, very bad. We should never watch pornography - never". The kid in the back of the class asked "What is defined as pornography, Father?" Fr. Matthews stops for a bit, then replies with "Pornography is any image that makes you sexually aroused". All of the students looked at each other and nodded, until the transfer student from Alabama in the back of the class raised his hand. "Father" he asked "Does that mean that my sister's selfies count as pornography?"
--
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is". The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is". Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets".

[bananadong]

I heard Facebook had published a list of 71 genders but when I looked there were only 70. Someone's hidden a gender, if you ask me.
--
I've discovered that I have a superpower. I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them. It takes a while though.
--
Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asks curiously "What are you doing, Dad?" His father quickly replies "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed". Little Johnny replies "What are you gonna do? Fuck him?"
--
I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today". I told him I was not paralysed... I can walk. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today". Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me. After the prayers, I stepped outside and bugger me... my car had gone!

[bananadong]

Simon and Jason are playing golf at their favourite course, but on every hole, they are being held up by a two-ball of women who are always half a hole ahead.

The women are great golfers, but they are playing terribly slow.

Finally, after watching the women in the distance as they stood over their putts for what seemed like an eternity, Jason decided to do something.

"I'll walk ahead and ask them if we can play through" Jason said.

He set off down the fairway, walking towards the women. But when he got halfway, he stopped, turned around and headed back to where Simon waited.

"Can't do it" Jason said, sounding mighty embarrassed. "One of them is my wife and the other is my mistress!" "Okay" Simon said with understanding. "Then I'll go ask them".

Simon started up the fairway, only to stop halfway and turn back.

"What's wrong?" Jason asked when Simon got back. To which Simon could only reply: "Small world, isn't it!?"

[bananadong]

A rich Arab walks into a crowded bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there".

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab.

He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy.

He continues to smile, and again yells "Thank you!"

He does this once again for the third time, but not for the Jew again.

The Arab gets real cranky so he asks the bartender "What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, all 200 of them, except him and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope" replies the bartender. "He owns the place".