So this dude dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the pearly gates, St Peter says to him. "Okay, it's like this. You don't get into heaven just for being good anymore. You have to have done something really great. Can you think of anything that might qualify you?" The man says. "Well, I once saw a group of really mean bikies harassing a little old lady. So I went up to the leader, I spat in his face, I kicked over his bike and I insulted his girlfriend!" St Peter says "That's terrific! When did you do that?" "Oh, about 30 seconds ago".
Thread: Jokes
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03-19-2021
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03-22-2021After 3 years, the wife starts to think that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents. Wife: "Dear, I have something very serious to tell you". Husband: "What's up?" Wife: "According to DNA test results, this is not our child". Husband: "Well don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet nappy and you said "Honey, go and change the baby, I'll wait for you here".
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03-24-2021For some time, John had been saying to his wife Katy that they should introduce anal sex into their marriage to add a little spice to things. Katy kept saying she wasn't that keen on the idea and she wished he would drop the idea. Katy eventually relented and said she was willing to give it a try but if either of them didn't like it they wouldn't continue with it. She told John to go upstairs and get undressed and wait while she got herself ready. John waited upstairs on the bed, excited about this new aspect of their married life. He heard Katy coming up the stairs and watched as she came into the bedroom beautifully naked... apart from the strap on she was wearing.
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03-26-2021One day, a very attractive under graduate girl visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee 'accidentally', etc.
Finally, the undergraduate said "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest".
The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied "Anything?" To which the undergraduate cooed "Yes, anything you say".
After some brief reflection, the professor asked "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?" The student lied "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then".
The professor then advised "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that".
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03-28-2021A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Avalanche!" The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next, as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Flood!" and escaped. The teacher was then led out, the squad took aim and the teacher, remembering how the other two had escaped, shouted "Fire!"
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03-28-2021A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Melbourne. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a devon sandwich!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
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03-30-2021Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mummy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful" said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Larry "Giving up?"
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04-03-2021It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again. As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
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The owner of a golf course in was confused about paying an invoice. So he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied "Everything but my earrings".
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When the Bob came home, his wife Diane was crying. "Your mother insulted me" she sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Bob asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious". "And?" "At the end of the letter she wrote: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son".
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A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up, then she just fainted!"
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Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'. 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home. We could steal a bus from the depot' replies his mate. They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?' 'I can't find a No. 91' 'Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
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Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom" he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two" Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father".
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I came home from the pub four hours late last night. "Where the fuck have you been?" screamed my wife. I said "I've been playing poker with some blokes". "Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!" "So can you" I said. "This isn't our house anymore".
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04-04-2021A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "Don't worry" he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping". Several aisles later, everyone heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store".
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It's been reported that masturbating twice a week increases your life expectancy by 20%. I have done the calculations and found out that I'm immortal.
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A father found his small son looking very unhappy. "What's wrong?" he asked. The boy said "I can't get along with your wife".
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Donald Trump and Barack Obama went to the same barbershop for a shave. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No thanks, if my wife smells that she will think I've been in a whorehouse"
The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like.
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04-05-2021A sex researcher is interviewing men about what they do with their other hand when they masturbate. Three subjects are in the room. He asks the first man, who replies "I hold a porno mag." The second says "I hold a computer mouse to browse porn on the net." The third says "I hold a sponge." The researcher, baffled, says "Why a sponge?" "Well, I've got to use something to bathe my daughter."
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There is an annual contest at University of New Brunswick calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was: "Political Correctness". The winner wrote: Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."
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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Fuck me, talk about Dyson with death!
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04-07-2021Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 a litre" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with us today!
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11-01-2021A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker" said the friend. "I'll be right over" whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious" said the doctor gravely "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
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We've got a ghost of a chicken in our house I think it's a Poultry-Geist.
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I was browsing in a large high street department store, looking for suitable gifts. A salesman soon spotted me and came to my assistance. "Can I help you, sir"? he asked. "Yes, I'd like to see what wristwatches you have for sale" I replied. "Analog?" he asked. Me: "No, just the watch please".
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I got a peanut stuck in my ear last night. I just poured in some chocolate and it came out a treat!
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His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "Yes sir, she spoke without interruption for about forty years" said the Irishman.
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11-01-2021Three women were debating about how wide their pussies are. The first one said "When my husband fucks me sex he puts his penis and his testicles in my pussy". The second lady said: "When we are in bed my husband puts his hand and his arm in mine". The third woman just sat there smirking before finally looking down at her pussy as saying "Jimmy... Jimmy? Come out, please!"
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If I'm reading their lips correctly, my neighbours are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
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Usain Bolt on Holiday in Alabama decides to watch the American Open Golf. As he's wandering in, he is stopped at the door by security. "I'm sorry, but this is a Whites Only Golf Course, your golf course is 15 minutes down the road". But don't you know who I am?? I'm Usain Bolt, the World's Fastest Man!!" Alright clever cunt, 5 minutes down the road then, now fuck off!"
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Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night... "Mmmm, cheese and onion flavour" she said. I replied "I haven't even put it on yet!"
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An elderly Frenchman was slowly walking down a countryside lane, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself "Ah ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!' and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.
He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted "Albert... Albert zere is zis man zis woman... naked in Farmer Gaston's field!" The police chief smiled and said "Come, come, Henri, you are not so old to not remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay". "Mais non! You do not understand - ze woman she is dead!"
Hearing this Albert leapt from his seat and rushed out of the station and, the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back nonstop to call the doctor.
"Pierre, Pierre... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field... zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex". To which Pierre replied "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, Uamour! Zis is very natural". Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply "Non, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this Pierre shouted "Mon dieu!' grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two French-men and said "Ah, mon amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English".
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11-01-2021IF MEN HAD THEIR OWN WAY...
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a "Thanks for the sex - now fuck off" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in beer.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Mother's Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
5. Instead of "beer-belly" you'd get "beer-biceps".
6. Tanks would be easier to rent.
7. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.
8. Every man would get four, real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
9. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
10. When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.
11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
12. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
13. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.
14. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
15. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
16. Beer would have the same effect as Viagra.
17. "Fancy a root" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.
18. Everyone would drive at least 100 km/h and anyone driving under that would be fined.
19. Lunch break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and $2000-a-night -hookers for the duration of those breaks.
20. Saying "Let's have a threesome. You, me and your sister" to your wife/girlfriend would get the response "What a great idea!!"
21. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.
22. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and any disagreements would be settled by a fight to the death.
23. Vomiting after 20 beers would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.
24. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.
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11-01-2021After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise" she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us". Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go" he said. "Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom" she replied. "Use the kitchen sink". So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"
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So me and my wife are having sex and I'm about to cum and she says "Don't cum yet". I'm like..."Don't cum yet?!?!?!" She says "I want to cum with you". So I say "Baby, you got like 3 seconds" "Oops, too late". So the next night we are having sex and she says "Hey, I read that if you squeeze a mans dick really hard right when they're about to cum, he will be able to last longer and not cum right away". So I say "I don't know about that. That's a lot of pressure about to explode. You can't stop it... it's got to go somewhere!" But my wife insists and I give in. So during sex I say "Oh god, I'm gonna cum" and she reaches down and grabs my dick and squeezes as hard as she can and says... "Hey, your nose is running".
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Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said "Did you notice the small todgers on the rich kids?" The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have more toys than us to play with".
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A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "Well, sir, I'm reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater". "How old are you, son?" the officer asked. "I'm twenty" the boy replied, looking at his watch. "And in about twelve minutes, she'll be eighteen".
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Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So how'd it go, Joe?" asked Bill. "Terrible" admitted Joe. "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never even got started". Bill tried to comfort him "It could have been worse, Joe. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?" "Yeah" Joe replied "but not in the Yellow Pages!"
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A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker" said the friend. "I'll be right over" whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious" said the doctor gravely "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
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We've got a ghost of a chicken in our house I think it's a Poultry-Geist.
--
I was browsing in a large high street department store, looking for suitable gifts. A salesman soon spotted me and came to my assistance. "Can I help you, sir"? he asked. "Yes, I'd like to see what wristwatches you have for sale" I replied. "Analog?" he asked. Me: "No, just the watch please".
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I got a peanut stuck in my ear last night. I just poured in some chocolate and it came out a treat!
--
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "Yes sir, she spoke without interruption for about forty years" said the Irishman.
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11-02-2021If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires suck cock? Oh wait... Twilight...
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Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts". She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked "What happened?" "She knows now" Jack replied.
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Two Mafia hitmen are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says "I gotta admit I'm scared out here". The other replies "You're scared!? I gotta walk back alone!"
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Two women are standing on the bridge and one says to the other "I want to pee off the bridge like men do". So she goes to the side of the bridge and squats over the water, pulls down her pants and says "You see that canoe down there - I'm going to pee on that canoe!" And the other woman says "That's not a canoe, that's your reflection".
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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free". The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!"
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Last year my mate Dave found out that he couldn't have kids. He was absolutely devastated, so being the kind of guy I am, I offered to have sex with his wife, which they both agreed to. Dave called me today and said "Look, you've been shagging my wife twice a day for the last six months and she still isn't pregnant". "That's probably because I had a vasectomy back in 2009" I replied.
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Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat". Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr. Smith" she gushed "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!"
The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly "Sit down, Monica, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail".
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I accidentally took a swig from a bottle of Tippex instead of my liquid Viagra. Now I've got a massive correction.
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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalised. "Well" said the Director "after we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub".
Would you use the spoon? The teacup? The bucket? "Oh, I understand" said the visitor. "A sane person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup". Noooooo" answered the Director, looking at the visitor with new interest "A sane person would pull the drain plug".
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A cardiac specialist died, and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made of flowers. After the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy and everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm a gynaecologist".
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Evidence was heard in court that John Smith, of Kalamazoo, had beaten one man to death with a full carton of Cheerios, and another with a box of Special K. There were suspicions that a third person had been killed with Corn Flakes. Police said they were glad to have removed one of the worst cereal killers from the streets.
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An elderly man was taken to the ER after having a massive stroke. The ER physician told the family that he was alive but unfortunately brain-dead. "Oh, God" cried the elderly wife "we've never had a liberal in the family before!"
A large, well established, lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do" said the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant tree over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down". The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down" said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest" replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert..?" said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replies "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work". The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says "Ah, c'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud! They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks "Mummy, do the hooker ladies have any children?" The mother replies "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odours coming from the restaurant's kitchen. One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them. The manager said "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it". The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it". The judge turned to Mike and said "What do you have to say to that?" The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The judge asked him "What is the meaning of that?" The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money".
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11-10-2021My wife said I show no sympathy for the children in slave labour. "You should try putting yourself in their shoes!" she said. So I went and bought a pair of Nikes.
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A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm out of gas" the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now" said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed "what did you put in my gas tank"? The bee answered "BP!"
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Donald Trump was asked what the J stood for in Donald J Trump. He said "Genius"
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Rottweilers are great companion dogs. I bought a one for my mother-in-law. Despite the fearsome expression, huge teeth, constant growling and terrible breath, he's very fond of her.
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A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passer-by remarked "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman? "Oh, he still is" remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife".
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A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him "Congratulations, your wife has had quins, five big baby boys". The redneck said "I'm not surprised. I have a prick on me like a chimney". The nurse replied "In which case you might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black".
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It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy's mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs. When he got back inside his mother was furious. "How dare you!" she fumed. "For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs". Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said "Are you going to tell him or shall I?"
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Bloke goes to the doctor complaining that his dick has turned orange. "I've never seen anything like that" says the doc "What do you do for a living?". "Oh I'm unemployed" says the bloke. "So, what do you do all day?" asks the doc. "Sit at home watching porn and eating cheezels".
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For some years the lawyer had been taking his holidays at the exclusive hide-away country hotel and carrying on an affair with the owner's daughter. However, on returning one year he discovered his mistress had given birth to twin boys. "Why on earth didn't you tell me?" said the astonished lawyer. "You know I would have married you and provided for the birth". She replied "That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over all the options. We all agreed it was better to have a couple of bastards in the family than a lawyer.
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A son calls his mother. "Mum, how are you?" Mum replies "Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days". Replying with concern, the son asks "What's the matter, mum? Are you not feeling well? Have you been to the doctor?" Mum replies "Not that. I didn't want to have my mouth full of food in case you called".
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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on, the first nurse says "I can't let that go to waste" and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the man sits up and the nurses apologise saying they thought he was dead. The man replies "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel great!!"
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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you! When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either". "Fucking great" I thought "first day in here and I'm married already".
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After 10 years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs. She told her husband what she found out, the husband replied, you don't remember do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him, so I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
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A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed off. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem. All he says is "All lawyers are cunts!" A man sitting in the corner shouts "I take offense to that!" The pissed-off guy asks him "Why? Are you a lawyer?" He replies "No, I am an cunt".
--Woman Weightlifter goes to the Doctors and says "I've been taking steroids and grown a penis". Doctor asks "Anabolic?" She replies, "No, just a penis!"
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A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next-door neighbour's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. She finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?" She says "I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it!!
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I asked the wife "How come this loaf of bread has your name on it?" She said "Where?" I pointed "There! Ooops, sorry, my mistake. It says Thick CUT".
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A man walks into a restaurant, he sees the special of the day, is cold stew and asks the waitress for a bowl of it. The waitress says "Sorry the guy at the next table just got the last bowl". "That's fine" he replies "I'll just have a cup of coffee" as he sits drinking the coffee, he notices the guy at the next table eating a sandwich drinking a coffee but not touching the stew. He leans in and asks "are you going to eat that?" "No, no, you can go ahead". the man says. He takes the stew and starts eating, not great, but not terrible, and it's free. About half way through the bowl he comes across a dead rat at the bottom of the bowl, he up and vomits back into the bowl. The guy at the next table leans over and says "Yea, that's how far I made it".
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Scott Morrison has his name shortened to Scomo. Does this mean that Anthony Albanese should be Anal?
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A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water. The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar. Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced. "Don't worry" the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water".
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Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says "Mas-tur-bate". Miss Rogers smiles and says "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful". Sarah says "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
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I just migrated from Syria a couple of months ago. This is a strange land. I was having sex with a woman just last night, but she kept screaming another man's name the whole time. Who is this Rape guy anyway?
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The sales girl at the sex shop didn't bat an eyelid when a customer purchased an artificial vagina. "What are you going to use it for?" she asked. "That's none of your business" answered the customer, beetroot red and thoroughly embarrassed. "Calm down sir" smiled the sales girl "the only reason I'm asking is that if you're going to eat it, then there's no GST".
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11-14-2021I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me "Pick a star sign, any star sign". "Capricorn" I replied. "Yeah yeah, right" he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again".
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My friend keeps saying "Cheer up man, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water". I know he means well.
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Two priests at a Bucking Bronco contest. The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money. The first priest says "I don't know how you do it".. The second replies "One of my choirboys is Epileptic"
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No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day. Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden looked shocked and told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"
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11-14-2021Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper.
He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traffic cones. Yeah, traffic cones.
Like, this kid fucking LOVED traffic cones. He had a traffic cone keychain on both his key ring AND backpack. His profile picture on Facebook had him posing with a traffic cone. I once saw him riding his bike with a (probably stolen) traffic cone clenched under his arm, barely keeping balance as he rode along. He dressed up as a construction worker for a Halloween party and brought a traffic cone. He even had a dinky pencil topper that was shaped like a traffic cone. Weird ass shit, right?
Alright. It's senior year. Kevin and I have English class with Mrs. McCopper (she just went by her first name, Jane). Jane was beloved by the community. She went to all the school events, and would even sit in the press box and commentate the home soccer games. Overall, a really chill teacher. She had lost her 10-year-old daughter to cancer just a few years before I got into high school. She always wore a necklace her daughter made her. On the necklace was a blue fishing bobber with a cartoon sea otter printed on it. Jane wore it every time I saw her.
Anyways, one Friday during class Kevin would not stop messing with his dinky-ass traffic cone pencil topper. Like he'd beat it against the desk and shake it around like he was a child.
It. was. obnoxious.
Eventually, Jane had enough and she took it from him. She said he could have it back on Monday. Kevin was very upset to say the least.
Cut to the Friday night soccer game. During this specific game a 15-minute 'half time' was called to honour a member of the community named James Van-Bonner.
James was an ex-convict turned success story. When he was 18-years-old, he picked up a toddler and literally chucked the poor kid into a lake. The kid survived luckily. After 10 long years in jail, along with 5 years of intense therapy, James has since committed his life to fostering children and youth.
During this 'halftime' Kevin's dad started storming his way up the stands toward the press box. He looked PISSED. Now, Kevin's dad was a huge, burley man. He worked on a farm stocking hay. This was not the type of guy you wanted to mess with.
The man-beast makes his way in and screams at Jane about Kevin's pencil topper. Jane explains what happened, but Kevin's dad was having none of it. The hulk of a man punches Jane right in the fucking tits and then rips off Jane's necklace and stomps on it- shattering it into pieces. Jane falls to the ground sobbing.
Kevin's dad makes a run for it, but James Van-Bonner steps in his way to block him. Kevin's dad shoves James down the stands. As James falls, he hits his head on one of the seats and goes limp.
Eventually Kevin's dad is subdued and arrested. Paramedics arrive, but James is already dead. It was a terrible loss in the community.
So there it is. That's the tale of Kevin Bopper and how his stupid traffic cone pencil topper killed an innocent man and traumatised my teacher.
TL;DR: Mrs. McCopper took Bopper's topper. His father, the fodder stocker, popped her knockers atop her soccer spotter, crushed her daughter's otter water bobber, and caused the slaughter of ex-toddler lobber turned child foster, James Van-Bonner.
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11-14-2021A TV crew is shooting a documentary in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview oldest man in the village.
The reporter asks him "John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life..."
"Well, this one time my neighbour's sheep got lost, and the whole village got together and went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all fucked that sheep".
The reporter, turning red said "Cut! John, we can't air something like that! Do you not have another happy memory?
"Well, this one time my other neighbour's donkey got lost, and the whole village got together and went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all fucked that donkey".
The reporter again shouted "Cut! Still no good John. Please tell us about your next happiest memory".
"Well, this one time my other neighbour's wife got lost, and the whole village..."
The reporter interrupted him "Yeah, yeah, you all found her and fucked her! Do you have any happy memories that DON'T involve you fucking something?!"
"I'm afraid not" he said.
"For Christ's sake John... you're gonna get me fired! Never mind your happy memories... why don't you tell us your saddest memory instead?"
John looked down and tears started to well up in his eyes and he said "Well, this one time, I got lost..."
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11-14-2021An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.
He applies for a janitor's job at a large tech firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your email address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically email you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day".
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an email address.
To this the manager replies "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an email address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day".
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week, he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up, he sells the cart to buy a broken-down truck.
At the end of a year, he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighbourhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his email address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no email address, the insurance man is stunned.
"What, you don't have email? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago, I would be sweeping floors and making $5.35 an hour".
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11-14-2021The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess".
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good" said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is 'don't count your chickens before they're hatched'". "That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands".
"Good heavens" said the horrified teacher "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
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11-14-2021Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home".
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home". The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'".
The operator shakes his head.
"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul".
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11-14-2021A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing". "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment. "You know" he said "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase... in no time". "Thank you" the woman responded "this may very well be the solution".
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
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11-14-2021A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman" he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
nf
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