rubycalaber
06-13-2013, 05:24 AM
PREVIOUSLY... ON DRAGON BALL DAY Z! :ssj: after ruby used the superpower of lagging to travel back in time to save teknorats character from death, won a high octane sniper duel in stary sobor and cured his persistent genital arousal disorder by throwing himself off of devil's castle our heroes set off in their second attempt to make it to the north west air field, will they finally succeed? find out right here right now only on rubynet!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWzQY45TQj0
after a minute of black loading screen with Bottom Banter™ that I should have really edited out but left it in because this is a very serious and accurate Let's Play where I try to give just a little hint of how terrible this game is we have some Medium Banter™ where I lament the trifecta of typing modes you turn on by accident: caret browsing, sticky keys and filter keys which are both turned on by either hitting the tab key five times or holding it down for 8 seconds which I do all the time by accident playing a game or thinking about how to start a sentence and of course filter keys makes it near impossible to turn itself back off and sticky keys makes it extremely easy to have the shift key stuck down so your entire keyboard gets hacked basically fuck computers anyway then we check Devil's Castle for the third time and still no loot and Tek has this hairbrained idea that people are going to put their tents and cars in this area all the way at the north east of the map where I think he found that boat at the start of our DayZ careers that of course never comes to fruition because no ones that smart to hide their shit they crash their cars into trees like barry and put their tents right outside the major cities but I'm up for finally getting to the NEAF without ladders murdering me little did I know that ladders are the least of my fucking worries m8 just you wait and I try to snipe a boar and teknorat does like advanced calculus to work out what I have to set the range to only for me to realize the DMR I guess I got from the north west airfield dont even care enough to go and check doesnt even have ranging and it works and I hit him in the spine and he actually dies so that was just a nice we bit of realism to get me ready to really put it into perspective for whats coming up next because we find this little town between Devil's Castle and the NEAF and decide to loot it for christ knows what reason I even say before we approach all we'll get is some tin cans and I've edited out literally 20 minutes of me caaaaaaaarefully crawling through this field and teknorat caaaaaaaaaaaaaaarefully headshotting any zombies that wander close to me with his silenced M4 so I was already stressed out and on edge from these undead fucks walking around me and then It Happens where I try to, dear jesus, walk up some fucking stairs, but of course the house model has been placed on a hill so there's a little wall on this side of it that makes the first step one atom too high for my stupid bitch character to walk up and silly fucking me to think that to step over a knee high obstacle you push the button that gets your character to step over a knee high obstacle but PRESSING V MAKES ME STEP OVER THE STAIRS AND PHASE INTO THE FLOOR KITTY PRYDE STYLE AND FOR A SECOND I THINK IM OK AND IM LIKE NOW I'M INS:rubywtf:BEFORE THE FLOOR SAWS ME IN HALF AT THE WASTE AND I DIE AND IM LIKE OH MY GOOOOOOOOO:rubyomg:OOOOOOOOOOOOO:rubyrage:AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!:rubyflash: MY UNTOLD JIMMY RUSTLING!!! :rubymad: A FUCKING FLOOR ATE ME!!! OOOH! OH OOH!! I CAN FEEL MY JIMMIES MOVING! THEY'RE MOVING IN MY BODYAHhaha you absolute sack of fucking shit terrible game a floor ate me because I put my leg over a stair oh my god, welp, I think that is the angriest I have ever gotten in my life, since my life is actually fucking great and I am really happy all the time so I am not one of those pathetic losers who gets mad about comic book movies or whatever and when bad things rarely do happen to me I just get disappointed something didn't turn out well or scared it'll get worse and at worse frustrated that my computer is a piece of shit or whatever but here I was with a four day old character who'd been from elektro to stary to the NWAF to devil's castle and gotten a sniper rifle which is really impressive for me and I wanted to finally get to the NEAF and I was taking it fucking seriously for once because tek was taking me on one of his big hiking adventures and I was really immersed sneaking up to this house and I was confident it'd go well with tek cover me but jesus christ this fucking game but gaming karma struck again where the next video totally makes up for this yet again I'm trying to go to the NEAF when I have to climb up something and a glitch kills me and I spawn back at the cost unarmed only to meet a group of gay fagboy friends who I infiltrate and when I find a weapon well... and its a perfect equilibrium too, falling off the ladder was just really fucking annoying and then I got to have a great time butchering those five guys in the firehouse but here that floor got me legit angry as fucking hell and then like I almost had an orgasm at the end of this next video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HrEvF1bsSY
this vids definitely the main event of this thread since I know me getting eaten by a floor and screaming is top quality lulz but this is some big dick brutal shit right here and there was a lot of shit before this where I spawned on an island and had to slowly swim over while teknorat and barry chat that I cut out to have this contain just like this one story and yes thats right BIG BOY BARRY'S BACK! I hadn't played with him for 24 days since we double teamed that brony together and since then tek has taken me to zub, stary sobor twice, the NWAF twice and (almost) the NEAF twice not that I get to play with him for this session since he was enjoying the other 50% of the DayZ experience trying to get it to fucking work by downloading beta patches and updates in varying combinations and orders anyway so I'm running along the train tracks roleplaying a train and pulling the zombies behind me as my carriages when I see some guy up a hill and I ask him to shoot the zombies for me but he tells me to come up there because he's unarmed too and he starts talking to me about how he's gonna go meet up with his friends at his camp but I cant make it out because fucking tim and tek are gossiping away about dayz like two old bittys and wont shut the fuck up and as tek is telling tim about my whole floor drama this guy asks me my name so I tell him its ruby and he's like UH OKEY DOKEY fuck you I'm a girl on the inside and I'm trying to fucking be cool with this guy and make friends telling him how long I've been playing and how long I've survived for and teks talking over him and tim chips in with TELL HIM YOU'RE GAY wow thanks m8 and this guys called agentbaldwin I think and he's got the orange operator glasses on and I start seducing him by complimenting his shades god I wish I was a girl I would seduce men and murder them in real fucking life and this guy tells me WE'RE MEETING UP WITH ANOTHER BUDDY, WE'RE ALL PLAYING IN THE SAME ROOM, WE'RE HAVING A LAN PARTY, ITS PRETTY COOL! which gave me a little bit of a rustling that last video and the start of this one is probably literally the worst day of my life in the last like 6 years since I became a full time shut-in lmao since I am literally a hateful misanthrope bigot and I used to be pretty edgy and angsty all the time when I had to go to school but as I've had less and less contact with other people I've chilled out and usually I am a pretty helpful guy online and can be friendly in my brief trips into irl but when I spend too much time irl or shit starts to go wrong it gets harder and harder to hide how much I fucking hate human beings so after that fucking floor faggotry my jimmies were a rustling and the less jimmy stability I have the less human bullshit I can take and it really fucking pisses me off when people are all friendly and sociable because I don't want to be apart of that and people try to force it on you if they think you are just shy and maybe deep down I am jealous that everyone else wants to be included with others and most people can be effortlessly do so so these fucking normalfaggot fucks at their LAN party really pissed me off and I think this is the most pissed off anyone has ever gotten me on the internet which is funny since I spend all day on a troll forum where people try to rustle me but it's just these guys being nice and friendly that gets to me although recently I have found myself getting angry at lisa since I literally know too much about her awful life and its like I know her personally and shes a legitimately revolting person and if I had gotten molested as a kid I would literally be a serial killer who sexually murderers people who piss me off on the internet and lisa would be my first stop and I was watching this interview with sasha grey (http://youtu.be/-lzZrask5F0) where a guy made a joke about how he doesnt like to be touched during sex he has to put his dick through a hole in a blanket and she said he'd probably be into latex suits then and I was like shit maybe I'd be into latex suits and that's how I could be physically intimidate with someone if one of us is wearing a fully body gimp suit and I fantasized about it while jerking off and it worked out well so I would literally be like the gimp from American Horror Story or Sqweegel from CSI so I can kill and rape lisa without getting contaminated jesus what was I talking about oh yeah dayz this fucking game brought out the worst in me and is the most sadistic I have ever behaved since usually I cant be fucked trolling people or whatever but here I was rustled at all times because of the shit gameplay and its the perfect setting to rustle others back and I really really enjoyed ruining other peoples fun and making them suffer so thank the lord I had a nice family and am a lazy sack of shit or I would be wearing lisa's face right now anyway we're joined by another guy I think this is Greg and I think Baldwin was telling me we were gonna meet him because he was talking about having one more guy to find but I cant fucking hear over these two australian faggots and tim says he'll head over to where I am to get them if I cant find a weapon if he can get into the fucking game that is and I run into a barn looking for a weapon and find an axe but of course its glitched out and I cant pick it up or its because I dont have a weapons selected so my "crosshairs" to put over things to pick them up are literally one pixel which makes it very hard to "aim" it at a long stick fuck this game but I'm glad I couldnt pick it up because the hatchet is harder to use than any gun because you have to be EXACTLY one meter away from your target and its completely random where it hits them on the body so in all likelyhood I wouldnt have gotten a kill with it and just given away my hostile intentions and I keep screaming PICK UP THE AXE YOU CUNT because one of these guys starts buzzing around trying to pick it up too and due to shit gameplay I need to keep them unarmed too and these guys are leaving and Baldwin is like YO WHERE YOU AT DUDE what are you fucking black or something it's where are you not where you at and that is something else americlappers love to say DUDE I remember this guy I knew from IGN asked me if they said dude in scotland and when I said know he was like what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck how do you talk to people then because he said dude before and after and in the middle of every statement and I literally tell these guys I'm trying to pick up an axe in case they have a pro tip to let me get it but hes like YEAH ITS FUCKED LETS GO lmao so at least he knows how shit the game is so I have to go follow them lest I know how boobz feels and get excluded and then we have I think our first edit where this guy is telling me he doesn't know where his other friend is they left him at a pond but they cant find it so I got my support staff member timbo to look up a map and find where I was but since hes australian he couldnt and we eventually find this pond and two of these fucking retards Greg and TheBox are swimming around in this pond trying to pick up a backpack or something that came off one of them and idk if this is what they were refering to as their camp or they actually did have something set up further up north I think they just meant this pond since you have to have played the game for four months straight to understand how the awful tent system works and this guys like LETS GET NAKED lmao actually on second thought I'm glad I'm not a woman irl since then I would get raped a lot and I think Baldwin is the only one with a mic who's talking to me since everyone else can just talk out loud in real life and they can all hear each other because they're in the same room fucking normalfaggot fucks so I try to have some small talk with him about skinny dipping but I can only hear like one word out of each sentence one of them being "SCATLAND" lmao thats about right m8 since its a shithole and I look over and realize that I am eye level with his crotch and he starts looking down at me like IT AINT GONNA SUCK ITSELFhttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v606/rubycalaber/In%20use%202/getsuckin_zps6400aa29.png~originalyeah I am glad I am not a girl irl I take it back I dont want to get raped by men and while tek tells tim about the best moment of his shit life shooting two people in a shit game this guy asks me where I'm going when I'm just seeing where we were so he is already invested in keeping me around which is good.... good... all goes according to plan and after some Deep Banter™ about wanting to murder people and how this'll be even better than my last m-m-m-multikill since I'm getting to know these guys more so they'll get betrayed to more I don't think that really matters to me since I find it hard to give a fuck about anyone else's experience they could not be bothered that much but as long as I get to know them and hate them and then do something that's symbolic to me of defeating them I'll be satisfied but I'm sure they were planning mass suicide after what I do to them and we find a town they veeeery carefully approach and we all sneak up slowly and Baldwin tells me to stay away from the zombies so of course stand up to attract them and I try to troll them by telling them V is the kick button and then I run full pelt into town to try and kite zombies towards them since if I cant kill them might as well help the zeds do it lmao and I edited out like 5 minutes of me running through this town but of course surprise surprise theres no enterable buildings in the town so no guns yet and the zombies are as useless as always and wont trigger half the time and wont go after anyone but who startled them the other half and I hear another voice I think this is Greg telling me to RUUUN and I thought I'd lost them but I hear Greg literally like moaning because he cant get rid of zombies and run towards the sound of rustling jimmies and when I find the three of them again Baldwin tells us to get down so the zombies dont see us as if it fucking matters and they dont trigger at random and as if they're not all glitched out atm these niggers still think the game is realistic and you're meant to play it seriously and while I'm going on a nice little forrest walking sim with The Three Fagmuteers a notification comes up saying SERVER RESTARTS IN 10 MINUTES awwwwwwwww shit nigga so now I literally have a countdown to kill these guys (well not really since spoilers: it never seems to restart lmao) and I tell these guys and fucking Baldwin says OK COME AGAIN? THE ACCENT'S A LITTLE ROUGH oh its fucking on now boyo I'll make your fucking jimmies rough m8 you americlap normalfag and when I say it again he says TELL THAT A HOLE TO F OFF as if you can talk to the server itself lmao typical ameriblob who doesnt want to say big boy """"""""cuss"""""" words because God is hearing and will send them to hell like how aber says "shoot" instead of shit fucking stupid bitch and then he asks what time it is in scotland and when I got up and all this shit since literally not even teknorat who knows me better than anyone else can comprehend the fact that I have no sleep scheduled and I just go to sleep whenever I fucking feel like it and I wake up whenever I fucking feel like it he'll say stupid shit like oh isn't it time for you to go to bed or stupid shit like that when I've been awake for two hours because every other human on earth is a slave to the system and has to be awake for something kill all fucking humans and hopefully admitting I have no life endears me to him and makes me seem harmless and not like the fucking freak that I am and I just realized something I think this was the game session that like permanently ingrained teknorat and timbo's voices in my subconscious because in my dreams I will sometimes hear the disembodied voices of tek or tim discussing what is going on with me and its because in this game I was concentrating on the game world and talking to these guys and normally there'd be big awkward silences between us but they're filled with these australian voices giving a running commentary on what I'm doing like they are voices in my head almost and they've got kind of stuck there although the same thing happens with some of my gimmicks like when I read something sexist I get thoughts from gender swap ruby I dont have to consciously think what would this character I've come up with say they're just already there so I'm literally gradually going insane and getting thoughts that aren't my own and this guy tells me they're in Seattle I should send obnoxious bitch to murder them and I ask them if they're gonna have a sleep over after their LAN party and he says UHHHHH... MAYBE lmmfao and then Baldwin asks how you kick when he sees his friend Ving into a cow so I tell him how to V and BUT THAT DOESNT HURT THE ZOMBIES RIGHT? ARE YOU TRYIN TO GET ME KILLED? lmao and I just tell him you have to be at the right angle which is a great lie because that's how everything else in this glitchy shitty world works you have to do everything three times before it'll engage and then Baldwin tells me HOLD ONTO YOUR BALLS because we're approaching another town and we all slooooowly crouch walk past the zombies as if you can't just run past them and they wont trigger half the time and the other time you can just run around a corner and they lose you and we get the notice saying SERVER RESTARTS IN FIVE MINUTES and I wasn't too worried since for once I'm talking to a guy who understands english, well, american english maybe not scottish english, and is only half retarded instead of full retarded and says we'll just log back into the same server if it restarts to find each other again but it was still funny to literally have a time limit to kill these guys in like I was playing some sort of video game or something and we find a long barn but it only has a fucking jerry can in it and they do their bullshit little serious business stealth shit to literally crawl out along the grass to avoid zombies and I'm helping them out telling them where the zombies are since I realized I wanted to be the one to kill them not some undead faggot but it turns out I thought a chicken was a crouched down zombies lmao so I trolled them by accident I'm such a good troll I literally cannot stop trolling jesus I am typing a lot but I dont give a fuck because these threads get two replies per week so I'll do whatever I want fuck you oh and elz elezzzark ivan elez I know you cant hear it but in this video I make reference to how you're a DEAF RETARD because I can't hear what this guy's saying and it's hard to fit in so now I finally know why you're so mad all the time anyway then these guys rustle me hard when a zombie comes at them but one of them just lies down and the zombie cant find him lmao what a terrible game and then the other two lay down so they're talking to each other irl which is not fair because on the rare occasion I have to use teamwork it takes a second for my voice to travel across the internet to them and then I see a barn you can enter and I just run full pelt at it while these homos are doing their careful crouch walking bullshit and I slooooowly walk up the stairs until I find OH OH OH OH YES TAKE DOUBLE BARRELED SHOTGUN THE JIMMIES THE UNTOLD JIMMY RUSTLING THAT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN and tek is like DO IT DO IT YOU'VE ONLY GOT SECONDS LEFT and TheBox comes in and there is a funny moment where teknorat wants me to wait for their camp that obviously doesnt fucking exist and I just tell him to shut up and he does since I am an alpha male who commands the beta males what to do and this dumbass crouches down in a corner to fiddle with some lovely tin cans and I blast him with one barrel and it has no effect on him so I give him the other and then his character has a nice wee lie down to die and as soon as Baldwin runs in I yell HELP THERE'S A SHOOTER IN HERE which made me feel really badass like that scene in T:SCC where the terminator is posing as a watery delivery guy and when the woman answers the door he keeps smiling pleasantly at her while he draw his gun and shoots her just to give her that one second of not being sure he's attacking her which is all he needs but he's running full pelt and already bleeding from a zombie so I hold off on shooting since I only have a few slugs and he runs out into a field and disconnects at the time I thought it was just because he was getting rustled by zombies and heard shooting because thats literally how people play this game as soon as anything dangerous happens but I guess it was because TheBox was literally screaming in his face in real life THAT SCOTTISH GUY JUST MURDERED ME GET OUTTA THERE and I see the third guy Greg running past the barn so I yell THERES ZOMBIES ATTACKING US and I'm sure hes gone one guy on his right and one guy on his left in real life screaming at him to disconnect but he probably doesn't know how since no one but me has the balls to stay in a fight and I give him both barrels as he's running away so he's definitely getting screamed at to leg it but due to this shit game there is a time between when I can fire each barrel for no reason I cant just go BLAMBLAM or christ forbid fire them at the same time like you can if they have two triggers I cant just spam it at him and he gets behind a fence as I'm reloading even though he literally ran into a wall and as I chase after him I yell TALK ABOUT THIS AT YOUR LAN PARTY YOU FUCKING FAGGOT and I manage to basically snipe him with the double barrel and I thought it killed him because a name came up but it just winged him and he's still running away bleeding and the silly bastard doesnt seem to know how to look behind himself with alt because he thinks hes safe to hide in a tree and bandage and I just run straight in yelling YOU THINK YOU CAN HIDE FROM ME? THINK YOU CAN HIDE GAYBOY?! NO ONE CAN HIDE FROM RUBYCALABER!!! AND I BLAST HIM STRAIGHT IN THE FACE POINT BLANK WITH MY LAST AND HE MANAGES TO RUN OUT BEFORE BOTH HIS LEGS BREAK AND HE FALLS OVER GOING UUGGHH AND IM LIKE YES!!! GREG WAS KILLED!!! THATS YOUR REAL NAME AND YOU'RE GAY IN REAL LIFE!!! FUCK YOU FAGGOOOOOOOOT!!!!! THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR HAVING A LIFE!!! YOU FUCKING FAGGOT!!! AAAAAH HAAA HAAA AAAAAAAHAAAHAAA UGHAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH YES YESSSS YEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!! and I'm literally out of breath and shaking because I literally got a huge rush of dopamine and felt like I had an orgasm lmao it was like I had been edging for an hour wanting to kill these faggots and after all that build up and it getting worse and worse because of how gay they were I finally got a release and it was amazing so all the rustling paid off and I just start moaning and rubbing my hands together like a jew and saying MY JIMMIES ARE TINGLING, MY JIMMIES ARE BECOMING ERECT and I literally give a special shout out to the floor that killed me lmao and after looting his body I head back to the barn since I know my faggot disconnectors they always log back in for a wee peak around and then barry comes back after missing the best shit tim becon right here watch this video to remember how fun it is playing dayz with me since you fucking betrayed me to play with a clan you fucking abo fuck and I tell him what happened as I switch the double barreled for a winchester that was on the other side of the barn thankfully none of them found it and while I'm raping the corpse of one of my victims Luka Magnotta style I hear a human voice and I thought I was imagining it at first but I definitely hear someone going RUUUUUUBY! WHERE ARE THEY? and I'm like WONDERING WHERE YOU'RE FRIENDS ARE? OH DONT WORRY... ILL SHOW YOU WERE THEY ARE and then I see him, agentbaldwin, the one who started all this and the gayest of them all who I thought had escaped me using the power of disconnecting so I run straight up and deliver my iconic one liner that will live in trolling infamy forever HI THERE, SOMEONE SHOWED UP AND KILLED ALL OUR FRIENDS... IT WAS ME AND I START UNLOADING INTO HIS FACE WHILE TEK AND TIM BURST OUT LAUGHING AND IM LIKE YOU FUCKING FAGGOT, TALK ABOUT THIS AT YOUR FUCKING LAN PARTY YOU FUCKING HOMO! AGENT BALDWIN WAS KILLED!! HAAAAAAAAA OOOOOOOOOOHHHH YYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSS OOOH YEEEEEES YOU SHOULDNT HAVE COME BACK MATE YOU SHOULDNT HAVE COME BACK! and I start moaning sexually again lmao and going on about how my jimmies are intertwining and stroking each other also at 29:16 you literally see a zombie attacking a pile of wood and when he damages it enough it disappears lmao welcome to dayz and then I wonder why that guy came back and my first thought is they were just lying about being at a LAN party, or maybe the guy I killed last wasn't there and it was just two of them and some other guys I never met, or maybe he left the room and came back, or my voice coms werent getting to them for whatever reason because they took their headsets off or only agentbaldwin had it turned on so they hadnt realized it was me yet, or maybe it wasnt the guy who disconnected and I didnt actually kill the guy who hid in the trees I just broke his legs and then he woke up and crawled back there and didnt know that was me in there or didnt care and just wanted to know where his bros were which would mean he wasnt at this LAN party I dont want to go with that one since I want to imagine hes really rustled since its funny and that I killed all three of them even though the kill counter is only at 2 but sometimes it doesnt count kills for no reason so idk I guess the first two I killed were at this LAN party and the last guy I killed wasnt since he was asking where people were either way all of them can burn in fucking hell and I hope so many computers being on at this LAN party cause a short circuit and something caught fire and they all died well that was one of my favorite videos so much so that I didnt number it since its like a direct sequel to my first ever how to make friends dayz vid and too good to be associated with the rest of this boring as sin lest play
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSxno-VaJMc
theres a bit at the start of this video that's just me wandering around this barn in a post murdergasm bliss that was at the end of the last video but after I had finished it I edit it out and put it on this one since even though its at the same location right after my last kill it kind of bogged it down and ruined the ending so even though it made the quality a bit worse I cut it out so now you can enjoy teknorat actually finding a tent up there and a guest star appearance from barry's dad telling us he charges five bucks for a blowjob and then I tell a g1 about my mum telling me to check my privilege before that was even a meme and there's some lovely wandering around shitty little villages looking for a drink because I was hanging out with those gayboys for so long I've started getting thirsty and I end up at a dock that has two boats on it and since you cant drink sea water even though you can in real life if you're literally dying of dehydration to keep you alive for a bit more and barry advises me to log out and jerk off while he makes his way there and I log back in and he gives me a drink which is the kind of illegitimate exploiting you can expect from someone descended from criminals so I just take one of the boats and try and take it up the coast to give it to tek but I pass out from dehydration and the boat runs aground lmao so I get out and go down guns blazing taking as many zombies as I can with me like a true badass and when I respawn I almost get an opportunity to harass someone but after like half an hour when the server said it would restart it restarts since no fun allowed in the vidja and tek laments how on edge his jimmies are since idk why I said only 7 days in the last thread it was more like 13 days and now she's been alive for 15 days and has survived bullshit that killed me like 7 times now lmao so when he dies it's gonna be a rustlan and then we get a guest star appearance from barry's sister Nicole saying she only charges 3 bucks for a blowjob and when barry gets timmy tumbled at me saying its just keith with his high pitched effeminate voice hes like RUBY, HAVE YOU EVEN HAD SEX? and I'm like WHAT DO YOU THINK BARRY? WHAT DO YOU THINK? ah, good times being a pathetic virgin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mevnZUS_gU8
then when I join a new server it forces me to be a black man fuck you I want to be a girl and I'm at baloto airfield and find a guy with an axe and a guy with a bow and arrow and let them know I'm unarmed and one of these pricks tells me YEAH WE'RE ALL UNARMED and after I say I can see their weapons we do like the mating ritual of the autistic gamers where they waggle from side to side and I do barrel rolls around on the floor to show we're friendly and then one of them lays down a coke can for the other to take since the inventory system is a joke so of course I steal it lmao what just accurately roleplaying a nigger and he goes UH I THINK HE GOT IT BECAUSE I DONT HAVE IT and I say I DIDNT TAKE IT and hes like WEIRD and then I LITERALLY GO AND STAND IN FRONT OF HIM AND DRINK THE COKE I STOLE FROM HIM IN FRONT OF HIM AND SAY OH WAIT YES I DO AND IM DRINKING IT RIGHT NOW U MAD FAGGOT and leg it lmao and then I immediately find an M1014 shotgun so I make a b-line back for these two gays and I hear one of them chatting away about what to do but I'm like NO ACTUALLY I THINK YOU'RE GONNA DIE and start blasting while trash talking him and it looks like he's evading me well by just running around in a circle but its all down to this game being shit trust me I am a great shot and then his mate comes like sneaking up with an axe and I shoot him point black and it doesnt count and I shoot another time and a fucking zombie gets in the way and the shot just wings his arm and I call his axe a shotgun because I'm getting so rustled none of my shots are counting I literally have nightmares now about shooting people in dayz and nothing happening like when someone tries to shoot smokey on Lost and this cheeky cunt breaks my fucking leg with his axe so I just start unloading and I swear my shots this time completely miss but it still makes him topple over unconscious and then the other guy is like AHAHAHAHA and goes to put a crossbow bolt in me but I spin around and scream KILL WHITEY and start blasting at him and I get him bleeding but then my COD induced autism forces me to automatically hit the reload button after each time I pull the trigger and idk if I got his legs or he was trying to evade my shots but he hits the ground and thankfully I have slugs and I take aim and shoot a few right up his anus just before I pass out as hes crawling around the corner and then as I'm getting eaten alive by zombies they both bleed to death lmao now thats what I call realistic and rewarding gameplay and teknorat left to jerk off since he literally fucks his smoking hot korean wife too much so I'm left with just timbo to snigger at my antics and I manage to wake up as this zombie eats me but my shotguns empty and I actually do some pro gamer shit where I find some shotgun shells on the dead guy next to me but the zombie kills me before I can load in the fresh shells and then I respawn in komarovo and take an axe to a guy in that big grey building while screaming HEY PAUL, THAT WAS AN AMERICAN PSYCHO REFERENCE IN CASE YOU'RE A FUCKING RETARD AND DIDNT GET IT and the guy is like ...YEAH and I chase this guy all over this building swinging my axe around but the fucking awful game wont let it connect and I get him bleeding but he just says THIS FUCKING GAME and disconnects lmao and then I find another guy and immediately start hacking into his face while asking HI ARE YOU A FAGGOT DISCONNECTOR? I BET SO, OH NO NOW YOU'RE A DEAD FAGGOT lmao and then I find my next victim and if this was real life he'd be so fucking dead but of course the axe wont connect and I have to chase him all over the place screaming abuse at him and yet another gayboy turns up and I have a go at him I coulda killed four people now if the axe actually worked but I cant get this guy either so I just switch back to the last guy hoping he is already more annoyed lmao and this guy is like GOD YOU ARE TERRIBLE DUDE wow theres "dude" again no actually its this shit game m8 I'm a pro gamer fuck you and he gets too far ahead of me so I just give up and tell him WHATEVER I DIDNT WANT TO KILL YOU ANYWAY YOU'RE GAY lmao and switch back to the other guy and literally bully him by running up and being like BOO MOTHERFUCKER!!! AH SHAT YOURSELF SHAT YOURSELF SHAT YOURSELF! IM COMING FOR YOUR JIMMIES M8, HAND OVER YOUR JIMMIES! and this guy either doesnt know the bullshit tricks to lose someone to weave in and out of shit or hes taunting me because he starts running backwards lol and I manage to kill him while screaming I'M COMING FOR YOUR JIMMIES! YOU'RE GONNA DIE SCREAMING!! >IMPLYING YOU CAN DISCONNECT!!! as he stands still to try and fiddle through menus shoulda made a disconnect hotkey like everyone else m8 and then I see the guy I let go having found a weapon running in the distance but when I see it's a fire axe I run up to him to challenge him to an axe duel like when Khal Drogo and Rambo fight at the end of Bullet To The Head and I scream GUY WITH AN AAAAAAAAAAAXE! YOU CALLED ME TERRIIIIIIIBLE!! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!!! IT ENDS TONIGHT!!!! as we both run full pelt at each other and this guy says AH THERE YOU ARE oh ho he wants summa dis and I'm like LETS FINISH THIS LIKE MEN and the click spamming commences but unfortunately I dont know the pro tip of holding shift to walk around while "firing" yet so I have to stop still and he runs around waiting for me to take a swing and when he sees his opportunity while I'm mid animation he stops and swings which CLEARLY goes in front of me by a foot and I swing which CLEARLY goes into his thigh but of course his swing counts and mine doesnt and I drop to the ground and you can clearly see he like "shoots" an axe swipe down at me to finish me off now thats realisms!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hucRwD__yO0
so after a bunch of not funny wandering around and another guest star appearance from Nicole being brought to orgasm by tim I get another axe and find a guy in elektro's school and start hacking at him and hes like STOP IT! GET AWAY FROM ME! but I'm like NO FUCK YOU YOU'RE DEAD and when I hit him I'm like HAH! OWNED! REDMASK WAS KILLED! and even though hes dead he can still speak over mic for a few seconds and he takes the time to say NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER lmao taking a page out of my book there so I start hacking up his corpse to make sure he's dead DIE RACIST speaking of racism special shout out to my waifu rochelle when I come up to a guy and say LET ME AXE YOU A QUESTION but hes just a glitched out character model and it doesnt kill him and then there's some more not funny running around I see a guy with a shotgun running through the woods so I follow him trying to steal some sardines out of his bag and he gets pissed off and aims his gun at me and asks what I'm doing and I say I'm just following you so he keeps running and I keep trying to mug him until I find some hatchets in this stupid barn but I can finally pick them up and when I have a go at him with it he just backs up and blows my head off lmao which barry finds hilarious and then he gives me a pro-tip I use later on to hack the game where you bring up steam overlay while running and it keeps you running forever so you dont have to play the walking sim by holding down W and we have some Medium Banter™ about when I first found the internet and we come to the conclusion that I have been an arsehole my whole life lmao and then Nicole comes back and tells barry IVE GOT SOME CHICKEN IF YOU WANT IT? so he goes to fuck a chicken while she shoves its beak up her pussy and then I get sniped while minding my own business setting barrels on fire so of course I run back to the same area and get sniped again and then I find a lagged out guy and headshot him just to see if it'll stick and then I some prick attacks me on my way to that firestation but of course me mag dumping into him is of no effect and of course he can shoot through the steel plate doors from the outside and kill me very cool and fun gameplay and then barry tries to tell me he has a wolf and do you know how I can tell he's lying? because he literally sounds more confident than when hes telling the truth, his voice is nice and smooth and he knows just what to say and hes not stammering along and having to find his words lmao so just lie the entire time barry and you sound great
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBofZ763RLQ
and then there's some more gripping chasing after one guy for half an hour antics but this time I've got the gun ho ho ho where I see an unarmed guy investigating a dead body and I run past him and say SUP BRUTHA since I'm a black guy again for literally no reason and then I see a guy pointing a 1911 at me so I tell him not to be a racist and kill me but I see he's not moving so I run up and take the gun from him as the last guy runs past me and I act casual and tell him I thought this guy was gonna kill me lol and my fiddling actually works but the gun I get only has five bullets in it and I just have to say a one liner like that guy who ran out of cherno and lost me in the woods when I was playing solo like I'm some comic book supervillain I go up and put the gun to his head and say LIKE HOW IM GONNA KILL YOU NOW FAGGOT but he dodges out of the way when I fire and I whip around and put a bullet straight in his stomach that for some reason usually kills people in one shot but doesnt this time for no reason and that starts him off bleeding and he legs it up into the woods and I give chase with only three bullets and I spend one trying to hit him as hes going over the hill and I think it may have winged him I cant tell now I've edited the video and its a tiny dark smudged mess lel and now I only have two so I'm not risking taking a shot even when he seems to be stopping to disconnect and I basically just have to keep him moving and not let him stop to bandage so he'll bleed to death and I waste a shot on him when he seems to stop so now I have to save my final bullet in case he stops to bandage since even if I put it in him it might not kill him but when he stops I take my opportunity and put one in his side and it does actually fucking kill him thank jesus and then I holster my empty 1911 to appear unarmed so people might not shoot me on sight and then it becomes night time as I talk to barry about dudes cutting their balls off and how to pronounce czech and then when I find someone else in cherno I get a crowbar and I try to figure out how to swing it but I accidentally drop a smoke grenade in the apartment building which seems like an innocent mistake until I discover that SMOKE GRENADES LITERALLY DEMOLISH BUILDINGS FOR NO REASON AND I HAVE TO RUN OUTTA THERE AS THE CEILING CAVES IN AROUND ME LIKE SOME INCEPTION SHIT BRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMM BRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMM its a shame the guy I saw wasnt in the building and it came down ontop of him and killed him lmao and then some immerse gameplay shit happens where I'm in a pitch black firestation and I hear a silenced weapon going on up the tower so I very slooowly walk up the stairs with my marakov out and I see a guys silhouette at the very top of the stairs but I dont shoot since hes not moving but then suddenly another guy with a rifle comes down so I immediate dump my entire mag into him while saying SUP GAYBOY? which of course has no effect on him even though I just put 8 bullets through his heart and he lets off some shots into me which of course doesnt kill me but it does damage me and I'm like >IMPLYING I DIDNT KILL YOU >IMPLYING I DIDNT KILL YOU and this guy seems to do the animation for throwing a grenade down into the level I'm on and hes like SORRY FAG but then I dump my next mag into him which actually does kill him and I hear the bone breaking and OOHF! sound effects as he dies and I run up the stairs expecting a grenade to go off and some 9/11 shit to go down where the tower crumbles under me or something but as with every other game ever made if you die while holding an unpinned grenade in your hand it simply vanishes from existence when in real life the handle would come off and your body and everything around it would explode and when I turn around there's two lagged out guys in the corner so I guess these guys were part of a team and his teammates had just logged off in positions to cover each other or he'd just got done trying to kill them when I found him but it was some creepy shit seeing these guys like statues standing guard in the dark but I put a bullet each into their heads just to be sure and then I go back down the stairs and find this pro gamer I killed was chock full of epic loot well back then I thought he must be pro but in reality he was probably just a hacker lmao but after I got done looting him I was so pumped I actually took note of what I had gotten from him and that was an M4A1 Camo SD with 4 30Rnd. STANAG SD mags, an M9 SD with 4 M9SD mags, Painkillers, 2 Morphine Auto-Injectors, 1 Bloodbag, 1 Pasta, 1 Pepsi , 1 Grenade, 1 Smoke Grenade and 2 Bandages on me and a Flashlight, Watch, Matches, Toolbox, Knife, Axe, GPS and Compass on my toolbelt and a 24 slot Coyote Backpack with a range finder, 8 30Rnd. STANAG SD mags, 4 M9SD mags, 4 cooked meats, 4 cokes and 2 grenades in it and to top it all off some Night Vision Goggles and since I knew bullshit was only seconds away I left the game which coulda fucked me over since sometimes the game doesnt save what gear you get within seconds before leaving usually you have to leave it a minute but thankfully that shit didn't happen tune in next week to see what the legendary super gamer rubycalaber gets up to now that he is at maximum epic loot level and finally gets to play with two comrades at once! only on rubynet!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWzQY45TQj0
after a minute of black loading screen with Bottom Banter™ that I should have really edited out but left it in because this is a very serious and accurate Let's Play where I try to give just a little hint of how terrible this game is we have some Medium Banter™ where I lament the trifecta of typing modes you turn on by accident: caret browsing, sticky keys and filter keys which are both turned on by either hitting the tab key five times or holding it down for 8 seconds which I do all the time by accident playing a game or thinking about how to start a sentence and of course filter keys makes it near impossible to turn itself back off and sticky keys makes it extremely easy to have the shift key stuck down so your entire keyboard gets hacked basically fuck computers anyway then we check Devil's Castle for the third time and still no loot and Tek has this hairbrained idea that people are going to put their tents and cars in this area all the way at the north east of the map where I think he found that boat at the start of our DayZ careers that of course never comes to fruition because no ones that smart to hide their shit they crash their cars into trees like barry and put their tents right outside the major cities but I'm up for finally getting to the NEAF without ladders murdering me little did I know that ladders are the least of my fucking worries m8 just you wait and I try to snipe a boar and teknorat does like advanced calculus to work out what I have to set the range to only for me to realize the DMR I guess I got from the north west airfield dont even care enough to go and check doesnt even have ranging and it works and I hit him in the spine and he actually dies so that was just a nice we bit of realism to get me ready to really put it into perspective for whats coming up next because we find this little town between Devil's Castle and the NEAF and decide to loot it for christ knows what reason I even say before we approach all we'll get is some tin cans and I've edited out literally 20 minutes of me caaaaaaaarefully crawling through this field and teknorat caaaaaaaaaaaaaaarefully headshotting any zombies that wander close to me with his silenced M4 so I was already stressed out and on edge from these undead fucks walking around me and then It Happens where I try to, dear jesus, walk up some fucking stairs, but of course the house model has been placed on a hill so there's a little wall on this side of it that makes the first step one atom too high for my stupid bitch character to walk up and silly fucking me to think that to step over a knee high obstacle you push the button that gets your character to step over a knee high obstacle but PRESSING V MAKES ME STEP OVER THE STAIRS AND PHASE INTO THE FLOOR KITTY PRYDE STYLE AND FOR A SECOND I THINK IM OK AND IM LIKE NOW I'M INS:rubywtf:BEFORE THE FLOOR SAWS ME IN HALF AT THE WASTE AND I DIE AND IM LIKE OH MY GOOOOOOOOO:rubyomg:OOOOOOOOOOOOO:rubyrage:AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!:rubyflash: MY UNTOLD JIMMY RUSTLING!!! :rubymad: A FUCKING FLOOR ATE ME!!! OOOH! OH OOH!! I CAN FEEL MY JIMMIES MOVING! THEY'RE MOVING IN MY BODYAHhaha you absolute sack of fucking shit terrible game a floor ate me because I put my leg over a stair oh my god, welp, I think that is the angriest I have ever gotten in my life, since my life is actually fucking great and I am really happy all the time so I am not one of those pathetic losers who gets mad about comic book movies or whatever and when bad things rarely do happen to me I just get disappointed something didn't turn out well or scared it'll get worse and at worse frustrated that my computer is a piece of shit or whatever but here I was with a four day old character who'd been from elektro to stary to the NWAF to devil's castle and gotten a sniper rifle which is really impressive for me and I wanted to finally get to the NEAF and I was taking it fucking seriously for once because tek was taking me on one of his big hiking adventures and I was really immersed sneaking up to this house and I was confident it'd go well with tek cover me but jesus christ this fucking game but gaming karma struck again where the next video totally makes up for this yet again I'm trying to go to the NEAF when I have to climb up something and a glitch kills me and I spawn back at the cost unarmed only to meet a group of gay fagboy friends who I infiltrate and when I find a weapon well... and its a perfect equilibrium too, falling off the ladder was just really fucking annoying and then I got to have a great time butchering those five guys in the firehouse but here that floor got me legit angry as fucking hell and then like I almost had an orgasm at the end of this next video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HrEvF1bsSY
this vids definitely the main event of this thread since I know me getting eaten by a floor and screaming is top quality lulz but this is some big dick brutal shit right here and there was a lot of shit before this where I spawned on an island and had to slowly swim over while teknorat and barry chat that I cut out to have this contain just like this one story and yes thats right BIG BOY BARRY'S BACK! I hadn't played with him for 24 days since we double teamed that brony together and since then tek has taken me to zub, stary sobor twice, the NWAF twice and (almost) the NEAF twice not that I get to play with him for this session since he was enjoying the other 50% of the DayZ experience trying to get it to fucking work by downloading beta patches and updates in varying combinations and orders anyway so I'm running along the train tracks roleplaying a train and pulling the zombies behind me as my carriages when I see some guy up a hill and I ask him to shoot the zombies for me but he tells me to come up there because he's unarmed too and he starts talking to me about how he's gonna go meet up with his friends at his camp but I cant make it out because fucking tim and tek are gossiping away about dayz like two old bittys and wont shut the fuck up and as tek is telling tim about my whole floor drama this guy asks me my name so I tell him its ruby and he's like UH OKEY DOKEY fuck you I'm a girl on the inside and I'm trying to fucking be cool with this guy and make friends telling him how long I've been playing and how long I've survived for and teks talking over him and tim chips in with TELL HIM YOU'RE GAY wow thanks m8 and this guys called agentbaldwin I think and he's got the orange operator glasses on and I start seducing him by complimenting his shades god I wish I was a girl I would seduce men and murder them in real fucking life and this guy tells me WE'RE MEETING UP WITH ANOTHER BUDDY, WE'RE ALL PLAYING IN THE SAME ROOM, WE'RE HAVING A LAN PARTY, ITS PRETTY COOL! which gave me a little bit of a rustling that last video and the start of this one is probably literally the worst day of my life in the last like 6 years since I became a full time shut-in lmao since I am literally a hateful misanthrope bigot and I used to be pretty edgy and angsty all the time when I had to go to school but as I've had less and less contact with other people I've chilled out and usually I am a pretty helpful guy online and can be friendly in my brief trips into irl but when I spend too much time irl or shit starts to go wrong it gets harder and harder to hide how much I fucking hate human beings so after that fucking floor faggotry my jimmies were a rustling and the less jimmy stability I have the less human bullshit I can take and it really fucking pisses me off when people are all friendly and sociable because I don't want to be apart of that and people try to force it on you if they think you are just shy and maybe deep down I am jealous that everyone else wants to be included with others and most people can be effortlessly do so so these fucking normalfaggot fucks at their LAN party really pissed me off and I think this is the most pissed off anyone has ever gotten me on the internet which is funny since I spend all day on a troll forum where people try to rustle me but it's just these guys being nice and friendly that gets to me although recently I have found myself getting angry at lisa since I literally know too much about her awful life and its like I know her personally and shes a legitimately revolting person and if I had gotten molested as a kid I would literally be a serial killer who sexually murderers people who piss me off on the internet and lisa would be my first stop and I was watching this interview with sasha grey (http://youtu.be/-lzZrask5F0) where a guy made a joke about how he doesnt like to be touched during sex he has to put his dick through a hole in a blanket and she said he'd probably be into latex suits then and I was like shit maybe I'd be into latex suits and that's how I could be physically intimidate with someone if one of us is wearing a fully body gimp suit and I fantasized about it while jerking off and it worked out well so I would literally be like the gimp from American Horror Story or Sqweegel from CSI so I can kill and rape lisa without getting contaminated jesus what was I talking about oh yeah dayz this fucking game brought out the worst in me and is the most sadistic I have ever behaved since usually I cant be fucked trolling people or whatever but here I was rustled at all times because of the shit gameplay and its the perfect setting to rustle others back and I really really enjoyed ruining other peoples fun and making them suffer so thank the lord I had a nice family and am a lazy sack of shit or I would be wearing lisa's face right now anyway we're joined by another guy I think this is Greg and I think Baldwin was telling me we were gonna meet him because he was talking about having one more guy to find but I cant fucking hear over these two australian faggots and tim says he'll head over to where I am to get them if I cant find a weapon if he can get into the fucking game that is and I run into a barn looking for a weapon and find an axe but of course its glitched out and I cant pick it up or its because I dont have a weapons selected so my "crosshairs" to put over things to pick them up are literally one pixel which makes it very hard to "aim" it at a long stick fuck this game but I'm glad I couldnt pick it up because the hatchet is harder to use than any gun because you have to be EXACTLY one meter away from your target and its completely random where it hits them on the body so in all likelyhood I wouldnt have gotten a kill with it and just given away my hostile intentions and I keep screaming PICK UP THE AXE YOU CUNT because one of these guys starts buzzing around trying to pick it up too and due to shit gameplay I need to keep them unarmed too and these guys are leaving and Baldwin is like YO WHERE YOU AT DUDE what are you fucking black or something it's where are you not where you at and that is something else americlappers love to say DUDE I remember this guy I knew from IGN asked me if they said dude in scotland and when I said know he was like what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck how do you talk to people then because he said dude before and after and in the middle of every statement and I literally tell these guys I'm trying to pick up an axe in case they have a pro tip to let me get it but hes like YEAH ITS FUCKED LETS GO lmao so at least he knows how shit the game is so I have to go follow them lest I know how boobz feels and get excluded and then we have I think our first edit where this guy is telling me he doesn't know where his other friend is they left him at a pond but they cant find it so I got my support staff member timbo to look up a map and find where I was but since hes australian he couldnt and we eventually find this pond and two of these fucking retards Greg and TheBox are swimming around in this pond trying to pick up a backpack or something that came off one of them and idk if this is what they were refering to as their camp or they actually did have something set up further up north I think they just meant this pond since you have to have played the game for four months straight to understand how the awful tent system works and this guys like LETS GET NAKED lmao actually on second thought I'm glad I'm not a woman irl since then I would get raped a lot and I think Baldwin is the only one with a mic who's talking to me since everyone else can just talk out loud in real life and they can all hear each other because they're in the same room fucking normalfaggot fucks so I try to have some small talk with him about skinny dipping but I can only hear like one word out of each sentence one of them being "SCATLAND" lmao thats about right m8 since its a shithole and I look over and realize that I am eye level with his crotch and he starts looking down at me like IT AINT GONNA SUCK ITSELFhttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v606/rubycalaber/In%20use%202/getsuckin_zps6400aa29.png~originalyeah I am glad I am not a girl irl I take it back I dont want to get raped by men and while tek tells tim about the best moment of his shit life shooting two people in a shit game this guy asks me where I'm going when I'm just seeing where we were so he is already invested in keeping me around which is good.... good... all goes according to plan and after some Deep Banter™ about wanting to murder people and how this'll be even better than my last m-m-m-multikill since I'm getting to know these guys more so they'll get betrayed to more I don't think that really matters to me since I find it hard to give a fuck about anyone else's experience they could not be bothered that much but as long as I get to know them and hate them and then do something that's symbolic to me of defeating them I'll be satisfied but I'm sure they were planning mass suicide after what I do to them and we find a town they veeeery carefully approach and we all sneak up slowly and Baldwin tells me to stay away from the zombies so of course stand up to attract them and I try to troll them by telling them V is the kick button and then I run full pelt into town to try and kite zombies towards them since if I cant kill them might as well help the zeds do it lmao and I edited out like 5 minutes of me running through this town but of course surprise surprise theres no enterable buildings in the town so no guns yet and the zombies are as useless as always and wont trigger half the time and wont go after anyone but who startled them the other half and I hear another voice I think this is Greg telling me to RUUUN and I thought I'd lost them but I hear Greg literally like moaning because he cant get rid of zombies and run towards the sound of rustling jimmies and when I find the three of them again Baldwin tells us to get down so the zombies dont see us as if it fucking matters and they dont trigger at random and as if they're not all glitched out atm these niggers still think the game is realistic and you're meant to play it seriously and while I'm going on a nice little forrest walking sim with The Three Fagmuteers a notification comes up saying SERVER RESTARTS IN 10 MINUTES awwwwwwwww shit nigga so now I literally have a countdown to kill these guys (well not really since spoilers: it never seems to restart lmao) and I tell these guys and fucking Baldwin says OK COME AGAIN? THE ACCENT'S A LITTLE ROUGH oh its fucking on now boyo I'll make your fucking jimmies rough m8 you americlap normalfag and when I say it again he says TELL THAT A HOLE TO F OFF as if you can talk to the server itself lmao typical ameriblob who doesnt want to say big boy """"""""cuss"""""" words because God is hearing and will send them to hell like how aber says "shoot" instead of shit fucking stupid bitch and then he asks what time it is in scotland and when I got up and all this shit since literally not even teknorat who knows me better than anyone else can comprehend the fact that I have no sleep scheduled and I just go to sleep whenever I fucking feel like it and I wake up whenever I fucking feel like it he'll say stupid shit like oh isn't it time for you to go to bed or stupid shit like that when I've been awake for two hours because every other human on earth is a slave to the system and has to be awake for something kill all fucking humans and hopefully admitting I have no life endears me to him and makes me seem harmless and not like the fucking freak that I am and I just realized something I think this was the game session that like permanently ingrained teknorat and timbo's voices in my subconscious because in my dreams I will sometimes hear the disembodied voices of tek or tim discussing what is going on with me and its because in this game I was concentrating on the game world and talking to these guys and normally there'd be big awkward silences between us but they're filled with these australian voices giving a running commentary on what I'm doing like they are voices in my head almost and they've got kind of stuck there although the same thing happens with some of my gimmicks like when I read something sexist I get thoughts from gender swap ruby I dont have to consciously think what would this character I've come up with say they're just already there so I'm literally gradually going insane and getting thoughts that aren't my own and this guy tells me they're in Seattle I should send obnoxious bitch to murder them and I ask them if they're gonna have a sleep over after their LAN party and he says UHHHHH... MAYBE lmmfao and then Baldwin asks how you kick when he sees his friend Ving into a cow so I tell him how to V and BUT THAT DOESNT HURT THE ZOMBIES RIGHT? ARE YOU TRYIN TO GET ME KILLED? lmao and I just tell him you have to be at the right angle which is a great lie because that's how everything else in this glitchy shitty world works you have to do everything three times before it'll engage and then Baldwin tells me HOLD ONTO YOUR BALLS because we're approaching another town and we all slooooowly crouch walk past the zombies as if you can't just run past them and they wont trigger half the time and the other time you can just run around a corner and they lose you and we get the notice saying SERVER RESTARTS IN FIVE MINUTES and I wasn't too worried since for once I'm talking to a guy who understands english, well, american english maybe not scottish english, and is only half retarded instead of full retarded and says we'll just log back into the same server if it restarts to find each other again but it was still funny to literally have a time limit to kill these guys in like I was playing some sort of video game or something and we find a long barn but it only has a fucking jerry can in it and they do their bullshit little serious business stealth shit to literally crawl out along the grass to avoid zombies and I'm helping them out telling them where the zombies are since I realized I wanted to be the one to kill them not some undead faggot but it turns out I thought a chicken was a crouched down zombies lmao so I trolled them by accident I'm such a good troll I literally cannot stop trolling jesus I am typing a lot but I dont give a fuck because these threads get two replies per week so I'll do whatever I want fuck you oh and elz elezzzark ivan elez I know you cant hear it but in this video I make reference to how you're a DEAF RETARD because I can't hear what this guy's saying and it's hard to fit in so now I finally know why you're so mad all the time anyway then these guys rustle me hard when a zombie comes at them but one of them just lies down and the zombie cant find him lmao what a terrible game and then the other two lay down so they're talking to each other irl which is not fair because on the rare occasion I have to use teamwork it takes a second for my voice to travel across the internet to them and then I see a barn you can enter and I just run full pelt at it while these homos are doing their careful crouch walking bullshit and I slooooowly walk up the stairs until I find OH OH OH OH YES TAKE DOUBLE BARRELED SHOTGUN THE JIMMIES THE UNTOLD JIMMY RUSTLING THAT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN and tek is like DO IT DO IT YOU'VE ONLY GOT SECONDS LEFT and TheBox comes in and there is a funny moment where teknorat wants me to wait for their camp that obviously doesnt fucking exist and I just tell him to shut up and he does since I am an alpha male who commands the beta males what to do and this dumbass crouches down in a corner to fiddle with some lovely tin cans and I blast him with one barrel and it has no effect on him so I give him the other and then his character has a nice wee lie down to die and as soon as Baldwin runs in I yell HELP THERE'S A SHOOTER IN HERE which made me feel really badass like that scene in T:SCC where the terminator is posing as a watery delivery guy and when the woman answers the door he keeps smiling pleasantly at her while he draw his gun and shoots her just to give her that one second of not being sure he's attacking her which is all he needs but he's running full pelt and already bleeding from a zombie so I hold off on shooting since I only have a few slugs and he runs out into a field and disconnects at the time I thought it was just because he was getting rustled by zombies and heard shooting because thats literally how people play this game as soon as anything dangerous happens but I guess it was because TheBox was literally screaming in his face in real life THAT SCOTTISH GUY JUST MURDERED ME GET OUTTA THERE and I see the third guy Greg running past the barn so I yell THERES ZOMBIES ATTACKING US and I'm sure hes gone one guy on his right and one guy on his left in real life screaming at him to disconnect but he probably doesn't know how since no one but me has the balls to stay in a fight and I give him both barrels as he's running away so he's definitely getting screamed at to leg it but due to this shit game there is a time between when I can fire each barrel for no reason I cant just go BLAMBLAM or christ forbid fire them at the same time like you can if they have two triggers I cant just spam it at him and he gets behind a fence as I'm reloading even though he literally ran into a wall and as I chase after him I yell TALK ABOUT THIS AT YOUR LAN PARTY YOU FUCKING FAGGOT and I manage to basically snipe him with the double barrel and I thought it killed him because a name came up but it just winged him and he's still running away bleeding and the silly bastard doesnt seem to know how to look behind himself with alt because he thinks hes safe to hide in a tree and bandage and I just run straight in yelling YOU THINK YOU CAN HIDE FROM ME? THINK YOU CAN HIDE GAYBOY?! NO ONE CAN HIDE FROM RUBYCALABER!!! AND I BLAST HIM STRAIGHT IN THE FACE POINT BLANK WITH MY LAST AND HE MANAGES TO RUN OUT BEFORE BOTH HIS LEGS BREAK AND HE FALLS OVER GOING UUGGHH AND IM LIKE YES!!! GREG WAS KILLED!!! THATS YOUR REAL NAME AND YOU'RE GAY IN REAL LIFE!!! FUCK YOU FAGGOOOOOOOOT!!!!! THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR HAVING A LIFE!!! YOU FUCKING FAGGOT!!! AAAAAH HAAA HAAA AAAAAAAHAAAHAAA UGHAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH YES YESSSS YEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!! and I'm literally out of breath and shaking because I literally got a huge rush of dopamine and felt like I had an orgasm lmao it was like I had been edging for an hour wanting to kill these faggots and after all that build up and it getting worse and worse because of how gay they were I finally got a release and it was amazing so all the rustling paid off and I just start moaning and rubbing my hands together like a jew and saying MY JIMMIES ARE TINGLING, MY JIMMIES ARE BECOMING ERECT and I literally give a special shout out to the floor that killed me lmao and after looting his body I head back to the barn since I know my faggot disconnectors they always log back in for a wee peak around and then barry comes back after missing the best shit tim becon right here watch this video to remember how fun it is playing dayz with me since you fucking betrayed me to play with a clan you fucking abo fuck and I tell him what happened as I switch the double barreled for a winchester that was on the other side of the barn thankfully none of them found it and while I'm raping the corpse of one of my victims Luka Magnotta style I hear a human voice and I thought I was imagining it at first but I definitely hear someone going RUUUUUUBY! WHERE ARE THEY? and I'm like WONDERING WHERE YOU'RE FRIENDS ARE? OH DONT WORRY... ILL SHOW YOU WERE THEY ARE and then I see him, agentbaldwin, the one who started all this and the gayest of them all who I thought had escaped me using the power of disconnecting so I run straight up and deliver my iconic one liner that will live in trolling infamy forever HI THERE, SOMEONE SHOWED UP AND KILLED ALL OUR FRIENDS... IT WAS ME AND I START UNLOADING INTO HIS FACE WHILE TEK AND TIM BURST OUT LAUGHING AND IM LIKE YOU FUCKING FAGGOT, TALK ABOUT THIS AT YOUR FUCKING LAN PARTY YOU FUCKING HOMO! AGENT BALDWIN WAS KILLED!! HAAAAAAAAA OOOOOOOOOOHHHH YYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSS OOOH YEEEEEES YOU SHOULDNT HAVE COME BACK MATE YOU SHOULDNT HAVE COME BACK! and I start moaning sexually again lmao and going on about how my jimmies are intertwining and stroking each other also at 29:16 you literally see a zombie attacking a pile of wood and when he damages it enough it disappears lmao welcome to dayz and then I wonder why that guy came back and my first thought is they were just lying about being at a LAN party, or maybe the guy I killed last wasn't there and it was just two of them and some other guys I never met, or maybe he left the room and came back, or my voice coms werent getting to them for whatever reason because they took their headsets off or only agentbaldwin had it turned on so they hadnt realized it was me yet, or maybe it wasnt the guy who disconnected and I didnt actually kill the guy who hid in the trees I just broke his legs and then he woke up and crawled back there and didnt know that was me in there or didnt care and just wanted to know where his bros were which would mean he wasnt at this LAN party I dont want to go with that one since I want to imagine hes really rustled since its funny and that I killed all three of them even though the kill counter is only at 2 but sometimes it doesnt count kills for no reason so idk I guess the first two I killed were at this LAN party and the last guy I killed wasnt since he was asking where people were either way all of them can burn in fucking hell and I hope so many computers being on at this LAN party cause a short circuit and something caught fire and they all died well that was one of my favorite videos so much so that I didnt number it since its like a direct sequel to my first ever how to make friends dayz vid and too good to be associated with the rest of this boring as sin lest play
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSxno-VaJMc
theres a bit at the start of this video that's just me wandering around this barn in a post murdergasm bliss that was at the end of the last video but after I had finished it I edit it out and put it on this one since even though its at the same location right after my last kill it kind of bogged it down and ruined the ending so even though it made the quality a bit worse I cut it out so now you can enjoy teknorat actually finding a tent up there and a guest star appearance from barry's dad telling us he charges five bucks for a blowjob and then I tell a g1 about my mum telling me to check my privilege before that was even a meme and there's some lovely wandering around shitty little villages looking for a drink because I was hanging out with those gayboys for so long I've started getting thirsty and I end up at a dock that has two boats on it and since you cant drink sea water even though you can in real life if you're literally dying of dehydration to keep you alive for a bit more and barry advises me to log out and jerk off while he makes his way there and I log back in and he gives me a drink which is the kind of illegitimate exploiting you can expect from someone descended from criminals so I just take one of the boats and try and take it up the coast to give it to tek but I pass out from dehydration and the boat runs aground lmao so I get out and go down guns blazing taking as many zombies as I can with me like a true badass and when I respawn I almost get an opportunity to harass someone but after like half an hour when the server said it would restart it restarts since no fun allowed in the vidja and tek laments how on edge his jimmies are since idk why I said only 7 days in the last thread it was more like 13 days and now she's been alive for 15 days and has survived bullshit that killed me like 7 times now lmao so when he dies it's gonna be a rustlan and then we get a guest star appearance from barry's sister Nicole saying she only charges 3 bucks for a blowjob and when barry gets timmy tumbled at me saying its just keith with his high pitched effeminate voice hes like RUBY, HAVE YOU EVEN HAD SEX? and I'm like WHAT DO YOU THINK BARRY? WHAT DO YOU THINK? ah, good times being a pathetic virgin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mevnZUS_gU8
then when I join a new server it forces me to be a black man fuck you I want to be a girl and I'm at baloto airfield and find a guy with an axe and a guy with a bow and arrow and let them know I'm unarmed and one of these pricks tells me YEAH WE'RE ALL UNARMED and after I say I can see their weapons we do like the mating ritual of the autistic gamers where they waggle from side to side and I do barrel rolls around on the floor to show we're friendly and then one of them lays down a coke can for the other to take since the inventory system is a joke so of course I steal it lmao what just accurately roleplaying a nigger and he goes UH I THINK HE GOT IT BECAUSE I DONT HAVE IT and I say I DIDNT TAKE IT and hes like WEIRD and then I LITERALLY GO AND STAND IN FRONT OF HIM AND DRINK THE COKE I STOLE FROM HIM IN FRONT OF HIM AND SAY OH WAIT YES I DO AND IM DRINKING IT RIGHT NOW U MAD FAGGOT and leg it lmao and then I immediately find an M1014 shotgun so I make a b-line back for these two gays and I hear one of them chatting away about what to do but I'm like NO ACTUALLY I THINK YOU'RE GONNA DIE and start blasting while trash talking him and it looks like he's evading me well by just running around in a circle but its all down to this game being shit trust me I am a great shot and then his mate comes like sneaking up with an axe and I shoot him point black and it doesnt count and I shoot another time and a fucking zombie gets in the way and the shot just wings his arm and I call his axe a shotgun because I'm getting so rustled none of my shots are counting I literally have nightmares now about shooting people in dayz and nothing happening like when someone tries to shoot smokey on Lost and this cheeky cunt breaks my fucking leg with his axe so I just start unloading and I swear my shots this time completely miss but it still makes him topple over unconscious and then the other guy is like AHAHAHAHA and goes to put a crossbow bolt in me but I spin around and scream KILL WHITEY and start blasting at him and I get him bleeding but then my COD induced autism forces me to automatically hit the reload button after each time I pull the trigger and idk if I got his legs or he was trying to evade my shots but he hits the ground and thankfully I have slugs and I take aim and shoot a few right up his anus just before I pass out as hes crawling around the corner and then as I'm getting eaten alive by zombies they both bleed to death lmao now thats what I call realistic and rewarding gameplay and teknorat left to jerk off since he literally fucks his smoking hot korean wife too much so I'm left with just timbo to snigger at my antics and I manage to wake up as this zombie eats me but my shotguns empty and I actually do some pro gamer shit where I find some shotgun shells on the dead guy next to me but the zombie kills me before I can load in the fresh shells and then I respawn in komarovo and take an axe to a guy in that big grey building while screaming HEY PAUL, THAT WAS AN AMERICAN PSYCHO REFERENCE IN CASE YOU'RE A FUCKING RETARD AND DIDNT GET IT and the guy is like ...YEAH and I chase this guy all over this building swinging my axe around but the fucking awful game wont let it connect and I get him bleeding but he just says THIS FUCKING GAME and disconnects lmao and then I find another guy and immediately start hacking into his face while asking HI ARE YOU A FAGGOT DISCONNECTOR? I BET SO, OH NO NOW YOU'RE A DEAD FAGGOT lmao and then I find my next victim and if this was real life he'd be so fucking dead but of course the axe wont connect and I have to chase him all over the place screaming abuse at him and yet another gayboy turns up and I have a go at him I coulda killed four people now if the axe actually worked but I cant get this guy either so I just switch back to the last guy hoping he is already more annoyed lmao and this guy is like GOD YOU ARE TERRIBLE DUDE wow theres "dude" again no actually its this shit game m8 I'm a pro gamer fuck you and he gets too far ahead of me so I just give up and tell him WHATEVER I DIDNT WANT TO KILL YOU ANYWAY YOU'RE GAY lmao and switch back to the other guy and literally bully him by running up and being like BOO MOTHERFUCKER!!! AH SHAT YOURSELF SHAT YOURSELF SHAT YOURSELF! IM COMING FOR YOUR JIMMIES M8, HAND OVER YOUR JIMMIES! and this guy either doesnt know the bullshit tricks to lose someone to weave in and out of shit or hes taunting me because he starts running backwards lol and I manage to kill him while screaming I'M COMING FOR YOUR JIMMIES! YOU'RE GONNA DIE SCREAMING!! >IMPLYING YOU CAN DISCONNECT!!! as he stands still to try and fiddle through menus shoulda made a disconnect hotkey like everyone else m8 and then I see the guy I let go having found a weapon running in the distance but when I see it's a fire axe I run up to him to challenge him to an axe duel like when Khal Drogo and Rambo fight at the end of Bullet To The Head and I scream GUY WITH AN AAAAAAAAAAAXE! YOU CALLED ME TERRIIIIIIIBLE!! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!!! IT ENDS TONIGHT!!!! as we both run full pelt at each other and this guy says AH THERE YOU ARE oh ho he wants summa dis and I'm like LETS FINISH THIS LIKE MEN and the click spamming commences but unfortunately I dont know the pro tip of holding shift to walk around while "firing" yet so I have to stop still and he runs around waiting for me to take a swing and when he sees his opportunity while I'm mid animation he stops and swings which CLEARLY goes in front of me by a foot and I swing which CLEARLY goes into his thigh but of course his swing counts and mine doesnt and I drop to the ground and you can clearly see he like "shoots" an axe swipe down at me to finish me off now thats realisms!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hucRwD__yO0
so after a bunch of not funny wandering around and another guest star appearance from Nicole being brought to orgasm by tim I get another axe and find a guy in elektro's school and start hacking at him and hes like STOP IT! GET AWAY FROM ME! but I'm like NO FUCK YOU YOU'RE DEAD and when I hit him I'm like HAH! OWNED! REDMASK WAS KILLED! and even though hes dead he can still speak over mic for a few seconds and he takes the time to say NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER lmao taking a page out of my book there so I start hacking up his corpse to make sure he's dead DIE RACIST speaking of racism special shout out to my waifu rochelle when I come up to a guy and say LET ME AXE YOU A QUESTION but hes just a glitched out character model and it doesnt kill him and then there's some more not funny running around I see a guy with a shotgun running through the woods so I follow him trying to steal some sardines out of his bag and he gets pissed off and aims his gun at me and asks what I'm doing and I say I'm just following you so he keeps running and I keep trying to mug him until I find some hatchets in this stupid barn but I can finally pick them up and when I have a go at him with it he just backs up and blows my head off lmao which barry finds hilarious and then he gives me a pro-tip I use later on to hack the game where you bring up steam overlay while running and it keeps you running forever so you dont have to play the walking sim by holding down W and we have some Medium Banter™ about when I first found the internet and we come to the conclusion that I have been an arsehole my whole life lmao and then Nicole comes back and tells barry IVE GOT SOME CHICKEN IF YOU WANT IT? so he goes to fuck a chicken while she shoves its beak up her pussy and then I get sniped while minding my own business setting barrels on fire so of course I run back to the same area and get sniped again and then I find a lagged out guy and headshot him just to see if it'll stick and then I some prick attacks me on my way to that firestation but of course me mag dumping into him is of no effect and of course he can shoot through the steel plate doors from the outside and kill me very cool and fun gameplay and then barry tries to tell me he has a wolf and do you know how I can tell he's lying? because he literally sounds more confident than when hes telling the truth, his voice is nice and smooth and he knows just what to say and hes not stammering along and having to find his words lmao so just lie the entire time barry and you sound great
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBofZ763RLQ
and then there's some more gripping chasing after one guy for half an hour antics but this time I've got the gun ho ho ho where I see an unarmed guy investigating a dead body and I run past him and say SUP BRUTHA since I'm a black guy again for literally no reason and then I see a guy pointing a 1911 at me so I tell him not to be a racist and kill me but I see he's not moving so I run up and take the gun from him as the last guy runs past me and I act casual and tell him I thought this guy was gonna kill me lol and my fiddling actually works but the gun I get only has five bullets in it and I just have to say a one liner like that guy who ran out of cherno and lost me in the woods when I was playing solo like I'm some comic book supervillain I go up and put the gun to his head and say LIKE HOW IM GONNA KILL YOU NOW FAGGOT but he dodges out of the way when I fire and I whip around and put a bullet straight in his stomach that for some reason usually kills people in one shot but doesnt this time for no reason and that starts him off bleeding and he legs it up into the woods and I give chase with only three bullets and I spend one trying to hit him as hes going over the hill and I think it may have winged him I cant tell now I've edited the video and its a tiny dark smudged mess lel and now I only have two so I'm not risking taking a shot even when he seems to be stopping to disconnect and I basically just have to keep him moving and not let him stop to bandage so he'll bleed to death and I waste a shot on him when he seems to stop so now I have to save my final bullet in case he stops to bandage since even if I put it in him it might not kill him but when he stops I take my opportunity and put one in his side and it does actually fucking kill him thank jesus and then I holster my empty 1911 to appear unarmed so people might not shoot me on sight and then it becomes night time as I talk to barry about dudes cutting their balls off and how to pronounce czech and then when I find someone else in cherno I get a crowbar and I try to figure out how to swing it but I accidentally drop a smoke grenade in the apartment building which seems like an innocent mistake until I discover that SMOKE GRENADES LITERALLY DEMOLISH BUILDINGS FOR NO REASON AND I HAVE TO RUN OUTTA THERE AS THE CEILING CAVES IN AROUND ME LIKE SOME INCEPTION SHIT BRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMM BRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMM its a shame the guy I saw wasnt in the building and it came down ontop of him and killed him lmao and then some immerse gameplay shit happens where I'm in a pitch black firestation and I hear a silenced weapon going on up the tower so I very slooowly walk up the stairs with my marakov out and I see a guys silhouette at the very top of the stairs but I dont shoot since hes not moving but then suddenly another guy with a rifle comes down so I immediate dump my entire mag into him while saying SUP GAYBOY? which of course has no effect on him even though I just put 8 bullets through his heart and he lets off some shots into me which of course doesnt kill me but it does damage me and I'm like >IMPLYING I DIDNT KILL YOU >IMPLYING I DIDNT KILL YOU and this guy seems to do the animation for throwing a grenade down into the level I'm on and hes like SORRY FAG but then I dump my next mag into him which actually does kill him and I hear the bone breaking and OOHF! sound effects as he dies and I run up the stairs expecting a grenade to go off and some 9/11 shit to go down where the tower crumbles under me or something but as with every other game ever made if you die while holding an unpinned grenade in your hand it simply vanishes from existence when in real life the handle would come off and your body and everything around it would explode and when I turn around there's two lagged out guys in the corner so I guess these guys were part of a team and his teammates had just logged off in positions to cover each other or he'd just got done trying to kill them when I found him but it was some creepy shit seeing these guys like statues standing guard in the dark but I put a bullet each into their heads just to be sure and then I go back down the stairs and find this pro gamer I killed was chock full of epic loot well back then I thought he must be pro but in reality he was probably just a hacker lmao but after I got done looting him I was so pumped I actually took note of what I had gotten from him and that was an M4A1 Camo SD with 4 30Rnd. STANAG SD mags, an M9 SD with 4 M9SD mags, Painkillers, 2 Morphine Auto-Injectors, 1 Bloodbag, 1 Pasta, 1 Pepsi , 1 Grenade, 1 Smoke Grenade and 2 Bandages on me and a Flashlight, Watch, Matches, Toolbox, Knife, Axe, GPS and Compass on my toolbelt and a 24 slot Coyote Backpack with a range finder, 8 30Rnd. STANAG SD mags, 4 M9SD mags, 4 cooked meats, 4 cokes and 2 grenades in it and to top it all off some Night Vision Goggles and since I knew bullshit was only seconds away I left the game which coulda fucked me over since sometimes the game doesnt save what gear you get within seconds before leaving usually you have to leave it a minute but thankfully that shit didn't happen tune in next week to see what the legendary super gamer rubycalaber gets up to now that he is at maximum epic loot level and finally gets to play with two comrades at once! only on rubynet!!!