rubycalaber
09-08-2013, 05:44 AM
this is actually my last DayZ thread since this game was so unbearably terrible that I gave up playing for 8 months, maybe I will make some more with the footage I took when I started playing again in a years time and I will try to make them actually fun to watch and not 3 hour long walking sim documentaries, but for now if you enjoyed my complete waste of time for everyone involved video last thread that was just me and tek babbling away for 13 minutes then you'll fucking love this thread because I've got 1 hour and 18 minutes of Banter Of A Questionable Level™ which is pretty fitting for an epilogue thread or whatever the fuck because it's terrible like this entire thing has been and an accurate simulation of what playing DayZ was like and why I stopped playing: it takes literally hours to get into a server, so if I wanted to make a fly on the wall doco about DayZ then this is as "good" as it'll get, so I guess skip the first 3 vids if you dont care about that but for some reason love watching walking sims, but be warned, when deso and I finally find each other things get pretty... triangles (but also hot)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGmEYbfkT0w
for my final game of DayZ I was finally playing with deso and her friend clay, no, not the snickerz muncher, another guy, and I use Annie Clark for his avtar since thats his steam avatar, well, I never got to play with him because it took me literally three hours to get into a server but whatever he's here in these weird podcast videos I set some images to which are mostly place holders but some are pretty witty so I'll call them out when they happen but dont worry it wont be often do to me being unfunny let me just take a minutes to say that hearing deso's voice makes me feel all tingly all over, b-because I love her, and it unironically makes oxytocin release in my brain the only notable thing in this video so far is we get SURPRISE GUEST STAR HIROSHIMA who hacked the ytmnsfw forums and literally hacks DayZ too he is the kind of dickhead who teleports everyone into a barn and then sets about them with an axe as seen in this screencap he posted once
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v606/rubycalaber/In%20use%202/f5072aac-0a90-423a-9396-886a0711edef_zps0dac0bf4.jpg~original
but as soon as he gets in our chat all we can hear is SCREAMS OF PURE AGONY lmao for a second I thought elezzzark had sent the zeta boys around to his house for claiming he did his hacks but he was just watching hostel which I recognized due to knowing every movie ever made and then I include footage from deso's one dayz video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJ8hw5qygpQ) since it sounds like they're riding together again and I do some cool editing here where I find relevant clipz from past games and shit and a funny gif of a bike crash when deso's talking about being in one in the game and then we discuss gta5 which over a fucking year ago had a trailer for it out and its still 10 days away lmao still havnt edited those raps christ forgive me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--0bJPmfrXQ
after discussing how I am making Let's Plays of sitting on a loading screen (these three shit videos coulda all been 26 minutes long but I realized I'd edited in one bit twice in the last vid which happens a lot for some reason and had to edit it out since everything goes wrong with these threads) but how that's ok since it's a good explanation of how terrible the game is I actually get in a fucking game but with a new character so I have to load a new server just to see if I still have my gear and thank fuck I do but white dots are on in this one so after a nice Bane reference no one will even see since who the fuck is watching these videos I leave the server and while I'm waiting another hour to load into a new one I reference this americans making pig noises video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XSq0PvVxMs) but deso one-ups me with this video of how great america is which we do an impromptu commentary of (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtQLp9bR9-k) and without even getting into the game I am trolling people in the sidechannel you can access from the loading screen for some reason telling people you need batteries for the flashlight and someone starts mic spamming everyone in the lobby lmao this really does sum up DayZ very well then I finally load in and it's loaded me back at the coast again but deso cant even find this server so I have to leave and then we spend 10 minutes trying to find a server both of us can see and get into because the game infrastructure is imploding so I take a minute out to just snipe zombies with the heat vision to calm my jimmies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RyzTsRau2GQ
theres a clip at the start of this video thats corrupted or whatever the fuck and windows movie maker put a huge green bar under the lost clip I put in but I do not fucking care enough to edit it because I already did that for the exact same fucking clip where the exact same fucking thing happened last thread so fuck off if you dont like it go watch Lost instead but somehow the next Lost clip I use is fine which is good because its set to a pretty good story that I think I also told in a podcast where I was having a lucid dream bout fucking my sister and buffy the vampire slayer but was woken up by my doorbell being rung by some fucking ned looking for another house because one of the numbers on my door fell off who I then screamed abuse at and slammed the door in his face please note flag, tek and the troll-1000 that I changed what my door number is for each time I tell the story so you cant dox me fuck you and then we aaaaaaaaalmost give up but within a second of almost leaving deso gets into a server and this is like one of the rare times our relationship was ever slightly strained since this was the one time I was really insisting something happened and deso vaguely didnt ant to do it so nice one dayz and since deso and I are in love 4 eva and are great nice people I'm sure this game has actually ended relationships and probably caused a few domestic violence incidents the only other time our relationship has ever been slightly strained was when Lost was ending and I was having a mental breakdown and started apologizing profusely to deso for not being able to make Lost threads and funnily enough it's her time to say sorry over and over again except this time it's a valid thing to say since playing DayZ with someone is really cruel lmao just kidding love ya babe and then at 06:20 I reach the peak of my editing cleverness by editing in a similar scene from Lost that synchs up really well with what happens to deso, fuck it I'll spoil it it's Kate being locked in a cage by the Others and it's deso running through elektro and suddenly A HACKER LOCKS HER IN A CAGE lmao welcome to DayZ where you can be made a sex slave at any moment this took a lot of fucking time actually because its like 999 clips I had to edit and only after I was done did I realize I downloaded these episodes in like 2006 in all higgilty piggilty qualities and formats so it looks weird as fuck but whatever fuck you its funny by these videos standards so deso starts talking shit to the hacker and trying to get him or anyone else to kill her that I've synched up with Kate undressing lmao since she's asking for it (whenever a girl takes her clothes off its ok to rape her) but then aww shit niggy DESO V STEPS THE FUCK OUT OF IT and shes like SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD RIGHT NOW, SEE IF I GIVE A SHIT, HOW MAD ARE YOU RIGHT NOW? 0/10, TROLL ME AGAIN, I WASNT EVEN FUCKING MAD lmao also the fraps footage we are talking about deso lost which is fine by me since I set it to funny Lost clips, also clay goes to bed after this video lmao so I never even get to play with him
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDbZTA7emUo
(un)fun(ny) fact: this video is all in real-time with no edits because its awwww shit nigga ACTUAL FUCKING GAMEPLAY TIME NIGGA it works this time because I pray to Hitler lmao and of course its night time but I just turn on my NVGs not giving a fuuuuuuck and as I give the coastline a scan with my thermalscope because it teleported me back onto an island I catch a guy as hes logging in on the beach and I almost shoot him on sight but he moves and as soon as he stops I fire at his neck so no matter the bullet drop it'll get him and he runs a wee bit and turns to look where the shot came from and I just start putting round after round into his chest and I can see him pissing blood and I'm like its a guy with the worst username ive ever seen and deso asks what it is and it's "zRyuuzakiX" which I'm sure is an anime reference or something but I say I literally cant read it it's so bad YEEEEEEEEEEEEES! YEEEHEHEEES!! I KILLED SOMEONE WITH HEAT VISION! IM THE FUCKING PREDATOR! and deso makes a cute giggle as I explain he's so owned he's just standing there in place, I guess thats because he was scrambling to log out or something and was half way disconnected idk fuck games, and then deso spawns in balato so she has to run past cherno and I have to run over elektro since I'm in kamyshovo and we can meet in the middle (NOT meet at the tip, because I'm not gay like plug drugs) and then after some Flirtatious Banter™ the game can sense we're getting close together so starts giving us all the bullshit it can muster, battleye making its way up the player list towards us, error messages about missing glasses and last but certainly not least A DISEMBODIED VOICE STARTS WHISPERING "I SEEEEE YOUUUUU" TO ME and I immediately realize it's a hacker after my jimmies and I know just how to deal with these sados since I spent 3 hours hanging out with one what they want is to get other people angry so first thing you do is dont get mad because then they'll feel like you're an asshole whos fair game to harass if you just sound scared and confused they will get less of a kick out of it but what they want more than that is just some fucking attention which is the most pathetic thing ever they just want any kind of reaction and if its screaming abuse then so be it but what they really want is positive attention like what I gave that kid acting like I thought he was really funny and cool or in this dickheads case engaging in his pathetic roleplay so thankfully I know all the bullshit and dirty tricks to just keep us alive long enough to meet DayZ has literally taught me how to talk my way out of a situation where someone with total control over you wants to hurt you so if I am ever in a hostage situation or something I will be completely fine so I get on the direct communications I am pro enough to already have selected PLEASE DONT KILL ME IM JUST TRYING TO MEET MY GIRLFRIEND and this dumbass who I presume has some sort of sound board playing I SEEEEE YOUUUU plays it with the exact same inflection and I guess he can turn himself invisible and is running along beside me after seeing me in the woods on his hacker map and teleporting to me I am actually lucky he didnt see my bandit skin and nvgs and high end thermalscope and presume I was a hacker too and kill me on sight but I just keep telling him I just want to meet my girlfriend and deso is like please dont die and I'm like THERES AN INVISIBLE HACKER AFTER ME lmao and the hacker says to me ARE YOU AFRAAAID? and I play along telling him YES, I DONT WANT ANY TROUBLE MR. GHOST, IM NOT THE PERSON THAT KILLED YOU AND MADE THIS FORREST HAUNTED AND IM NOT A PREIST SO I CANT DO EXORCISMS ON YOU I think maybe I played it too jokey since I was trying to be friendly and seem cool but I literally cannot stop being funny and since the guy starts making fucking stupid owl noises I think he is legitimately trying to scare me and get me to freak out for a youtube video or something well guess what bitch you have wandered your way into Ruby Calaber's DayZ Let's Play and I tell him I've never shot a bird in the game before lmao and then I hear BEHIIIIND YOUUUUU and he uncloaks behind me and he has a bandit scarf and nvgs on too but then A SECOND HACKER UNCLOAKS BESIDE HIM theres two of them fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck and I start making jokes about checking their doubles that they seem to like so they are probably /v/irgins and then this stupid fucking retard says in his real voice "whozagufend?" and I'm like u wot m8 and deso asks if I am ok very concerned she thinks this game is driving me insane lmao and she doesnt want me to die but I'm like its ok, I know how to deal with hackers, im gonna let him think hes in control, im not even going to try and attack him lmao so add terrorist negotiations to my massive list of operator skills I've learnt from DayZ and one of these retards clearly cannot speak english because he types in the chat we want scare her so I make sure desos ok with me bringing hackers to her since that seems to be what they want and tell her to act scared so they dont get bored and kill us and I am glad I didnt tell them deso's name or they'd probably just gotten bored faster and killed one of us before we could meet so I learnt about keeping information to yourself and if anyone asks you for it even if obviously you know it pull all the bullshit maneuvers you have to to keep them off the trail literally advanced level counter interrogation tactics going on they teach teir 1 CIA hit squads and then the footsteps stop so I guess they 'ported away and I explain to deso that IVE FOUND THAT HACKERS ARE SUCH PATHETIC FAILURES IN LIFE THAT IF YOU LITERALLY JUST LIKE TALK TO THEM AND BE LIKE OH THAT WAS FUNNY THEY'LL DO WHATEVER YOU FUCKING WANT BECAUSE THEY JUST WANT TO PLAY WITH SOMEONE WHO WONT EITHER IGNORE THEM OR JUST BE LIKE YOU'RE A FAGGOT AND DISCONNECT, THATS HOW FUCKING PATHETIC THEY ARE and then we talk about how ramen is a slut who sends people nudes that no one asked for while talking about how she's married lmao she wants to have an affair so badly but then deso runs into a strapped nigga and she just tells him IM JUST TRYING TO MEET MY BOYFRIEND and he probably cums his pants from hearing a girl speak for the first time in months like every other DayZ player and doesnt kill her and they exchange pleasantries about equipment and other players and briefly part ways before bumping into each other again and deso gets him to follow her so I can kill the motherfucker and I'm actually glad I didnt since after the last and final kill I got my DayZ kill count is 108, the sum of the Lost numbers, which greatly pleases my autism and this guy starts to get too far away from her so she says she has a broken leg and hopes hes too stupid to realize you cant run on them and she's like another lie, I feel like Dexter lmao and I also see another guy who seems lagged out with my heat vision from a while away so I start making my way towards him and this guy deso with starts talking over mic and is probably really nervous sounding talking to a girl (even though she said she had a bf, lmao what a loser!!!!!) because she says he has a nerd voice and then I watch with the thermal vision across the fields deso getting chased by a zombie and this dude fiddling to get his flashlight out lmao nice stealth skills m8 and deso wants to do something before I kill him I presume fuck him which woulda been fine with me since thats not cuckolding or gay if we're in on it together to murder him and I take out the zombie with my 1911 and then I hear coocoo again and I'm like OH SHIT THE GHOST IS BACK and he starts playing the I seeeeeeeeee youuuuuuuuuu sound again and I tell deso to play along with me which is great since we can talk on steam about how we'll talk in the game which is like some spy movie shit where we're under cover and giving each other intel over our comms and I pretend to be just telling her there's some spooky shit going on and disembodied footsteps and we give great performances if I do say so myself and when he goes coocoo again shes like y-yeah, I fucking heard that! and then this fucking ghost starts making this gargling noise and we pretend to think its zombies and shes all jesus fucking christ! sounding scared as fuck like a professional voice actress and I am all dont worry babe I'll protect you which is already how I genuinely feel towards deso lmao so not much acting is needed from me and deso pretends to want to leave and then a zombie starts running over I guess triggered by the fucking invisible hackers footsteps or our direct comms but THE ZOMBIE SUDDENLY DROPS DEAD AS SOON AS HE GETS CLOSE TO THE GHOST and we pretend to start freaking out and we leg it and deso is like jesus christ what is that and the ghost is all I seeee youuu and we hear footsteps after us and I'm like ITS THE GHOST ITS COMING FOR US!!! and the ghost starts going dont run... (since hackers just want to finally have friends lmao) and we start telling the ghost to leave us alone and the ghost is like HELLO MISSSSSSS VILLAGE lmmfao this fucking game nigga and we have to stifle our laughs to act scared and the ghost is like ARE YOU AFWAID? haha we would be if you didnt have a lisp you gay motherfucker and he does the I see you and bird noises shit again and deso's like fuck this FUCK THIS with better acting than most horror movies and legs it and actually bumps into this invisible hacker and then I spot a flashing light coming from the lighthouse which would be normal but in this game its a huge surprise so we make our way over to it and deso starts breaking down laughing while this ghost is like dont ruuuun... heeeelp meeeee.... and I'm like WHAT IS THIS, PARANORMAL ACTIVITY? lmao it really is a young couple being haunted by an invisible presence with heavy use of nightvision shots and suddenly deso starts running slower than me for no reason like the ghost is trying to possess her or something lmao and I wonder out loud if the ghost will get mad when we murder deso's nerd voice chum up the lighthouse but then I notice I'm losing blood from dehydration so I LITERALLY ASK THE GHOST IF HE HAS A DRINK FOR ME, ASKING IF I CAN MAYBE DRINK HIS ECTOPLASM, NOT THAT IM GAY OR ANYTHING trying to still play along and not let on that I know they're just hacking and can spawn a crate and a pathetic lil kid says back yeaaaaaah... we couuuuuuuuld clearly a second guy and deso is so amused she starts giggling and tells me I LOVE YOU RUBY which makes playing this shit game for 3 months and making these threads for a year all worth while and the ghost tells us not to move and I presumed so they could put something in our bags but then THERES A BURST OF GUN SHOTS BESIDE ME AND I LOOK AROUND AND SEE MUZZLE FLASHES FLOATING IN THE AIR BLASTING THE FUCK OUTTA THE NERDY VOICE GUY UP THE LIGHTHOUSE well thats him taken care of guess the ghost doesnt mind him dying after all I think he wanted to make sure he didnt interfere with what they've got planned for us and deso starts begging for her life and then we hear both of them saying DONT MOOOOVE and they spawn a hacker crate beside us and the ghost says taaaaake iiiiiit.... take the booooox... so I do and I start looking for a drink and deso's like HOLY SHIT when she sees the loot and I tell her in the game to get what she wants and THE GHOST SAYS GOT YOUR SOUL FOR IT AND THE CRATE EXPLODES KILLNG US BOTH hahahaahahahahha that right there sums up this game waiting 3 hours to get into a game and then going for a half hour long walking sim and then a hacker shows up and pretends to be a ghost haunting you and just when you think he's cutting you a break and giving you free loot its booby trapped and blows you to pieces but if you've got a friend with you it's still a good laugh and the best bit is we hear the guys normal voice on the you're dead screen saying GET FUCKED whats the matter m8, jealous I have a girlfriend and you dont?:smug: and I start laughing and saying WE TRADED OUR SOUL FOR A FUCKING PEPSI, AT LEAST WE DIED TOGETHER BABE a-and we tell each other we love each other :heart:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjFJb81ohWE
oh, you thought the stupid podcast bullshit was over? think again! here's another video of us waiting to join a server and flirting and chatting about what just happened in desos own words: MAYBE BECAUSE IT WAS WITH YOU BUT THAT WAS THE MOST FUN IVE HAD PLAYING DAYZ, I KNOW THATS NOT REALLY SAYING MUCH and there is some Good Editing™ at the end where we talk about south african miners getting gunned down and bringing bombs through airport security
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEIFFHjN_oE
after running around a nightmare debug plain populated by parlayed people and floating dots I finally spawn as like a muslim nigger man even though my humanity is at 0 so I go in a big walking sim to baloto airfield while flirting with deso some more until the game steals my turban for no reason and then I run around in a field for 10 minutes looking for deso which isnt helped by the zombies doing their best to use team work against me and the final appearance of triangles bursting out of the ground and waving about at me and then forming massive domes over me I think this is the craziest I have ever seen them since they are forming super-structures above the airfield preparing for the triangle invasion
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AFcz5nvwN4
I titled this video X X X since well..... you'll find out soon enough, but also because I noticed I had used alliteration of every other letter except x and you know what fucking words begin with that, in fact I kept track of how many letter alliteration since that's how autistic I am: A: 7, B: 9, C: 12, D: 11, E: 3, F:, 5, G: 5, H: 8, I: 3, J: 1, L: 1, L: 3, M: 9, N: 2, O: 1, P: 2, Q: 1, R: 3, S: 11, T: 17, U: 1, V: 3, W: 1, X: 1, Y: 1, Z: 1, so uh yeah.......... interesting stuff (if you have autism) anyway we finally meet up again and I show off my amazing zombie killing moves but deso is still for some fucking reason running slowly I guess she is still possessed by the ghost so when she runs away from zombies the hilarious rubber banding means they are both slowly jogging around at about 1 mph which is quite frankly incredible that seemingly her frame rate being low and displaying her character running slowly actually does make her character run slowly in the game world and shes like ALL I WANNA DO IS SUCK YOUR DICK IN-GAME UGH but the game finally gives us a break and the zombies fuck off and the triangles come together to form a privacy partition for us as deso get down on her knees and starts sucking my big black cock and I literally use V-step to throat fuck her so hard she starts seeing the triangles, then I order her to turn around and bend over so I can open her coyote pack and put my cooked meat in her slot and then as we bathe in our cyber sex afterglow we stand back and romantically watch the massive black and pink triangles merge into each other and then we very slowly run to cherno with deso doing the like half running in place animation as the triangles start getting uppity and spinning around in place to scare us away lmao and after some Excruciatingly Slow Walking Sim™ where the zombies literally get in front of deso and then patiently wait for her to slowly walk past them we get to the church in cherno and deso literally goes into a corner to take a piss so I have to actually aim for once and headshot a zombie to protect her so it was good that my final zombie kill was actually skillful and I hear gunshots and go to check them out but they've left by the time deso gets back so I still have a 108 killcount and I head back into the church and since theres so many crowbars in there we talk about half life 3 and the dogs that will be added to the game and I say I've already been a dog so I dont really need to own one lmao and then deso starts walking into a corner over and over again as the yellow disconnect icon comes up and then the NO MESSAGE RECEIVED FOR 12 SECONDS message pops up so I disconnect and see my nigger character turn white one last time and I ask deso if she wants to find another server and she says FUCK. NO. IM DONE. so we call it quits and after deso gives me a bit of femdom humiliation for ever saying this game was good we decide to watch an episode of community together :3 but at least the last thing that happened in the game was we were literally at the alter together in a church so what better of an ending?
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v606/rubycalaber/zombiewedding_zps99eb728a.png~original
it's almost Lostian, there's the main story ending with lots of violence but the main character triumphs over evil and then there's a sort of epilogue where the hero meets the love of his life and they move onto a better place inside a church so yeah that is this series of DayZ videos over, maybe I will make a season 2 or whatever and actually try to edit funny to watch videos since I wasnt even thinking of an audience when I edited these a year ago, so at least I learnt something: my videos are really terrible and no one wants to watch them, other than two teenage girls and one mutant eared freak
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGmEYbfkT0w
for my final game of DayZ I was finally playing with deso and her friend clay, no, not the snickerz muncher, another guy, and I use Annie Clark for his avtar since thats his steam avatar, well, I never got to play with him because it took me literally three hours to get into a server but whatever he's here in these weird podcast videos I set some images to which are mostly place holders but some are pretty witty so I'll call them out when they happen but dont worry it wont be often do to me being unfunny let me just take a minutes to say that hearing deso's voice makes me feel all tingly all over, b-because I love her, and it unironically makes oxytocin release in my brain the only notable thing in this video so far is we get SURPRISE GUEST STAR HIROSHIMA who hacked the ytmnsfw forums and literally hacks DayZ too he is the kind of dickhead who teleports everyone into a barn and then sets about them with an axe as seen in this screencap he posted once
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v606/rubycalaber/In%20use%202/f5072aac-0a90-423a-9396-886a0711edef_zps0dac0bf4.jpg~original
but as soon as he gets in our chat all we can hear is SCREAMS OF PURE AGONY lmao for a second I thought elezzzark had sent the zeta boys around to his house for claiming he did his hacks but he was just watching hostel which I recognized due to knowing every movie ever made and then I include footage from deso's one dayz video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJ8hw5qygpQ) since it sounds like they're riding together again and I do some cool editing here where I find relevant clipz from past games and shit and a funny gif of a bike crash when deso's talking about being in one in the game and then we discuss gta5 which over a fucking year ago had a trailer for it out and its still 10 days away lmao still havnt edited those raps christ forgive me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--0bJPmfrXQ
after discussing how I am making Let's Plays of sitting on a loading screen (these three shit videos coulda all been 26 minutes long but I realized I'd edited in one bit twice in the last vid which happens a lot for some reason and had to edit it out since everything goes wrong with these threads) but how that's ok since it's a good explanation of how terrible the game is I actually get in a fucking game but with a new character so I have to load a new server just to see if I still have my gear and thank fuck I do but white dots are on in this one so after a nice Bane reference no one will even see since who the fuck is watching these videos I leave the server and while I'm waiting another hour to load into a new one I reference this americans making pig noises video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XSq0PvVxMs) but deso one-ups me with this video of how great america is which we do an impromptu commentary of (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtQLp9bR9-k) and without even getting into the game I am trolling people in the sidechannel you can access from the loading screen for some reason telling people you need batteries for the flashlight and someone starts mic spamming everyone in the lobby lmao this really does sum up DayZ very well then I finally load in and it's loaded me back at the coast again but deso cant even find this server so I have to leave and then we spend 10 minutes trying to find a server both of us can see and get into because the game infrastructure is imploding so I take a minute out to just snipe zombies with the heat vision to calm my jimmies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RyzTsRau2GQ
theres a clip at the start of this video thats corrupted or whatever the fuck and windows movie maker put a huge green bar under the lost clip I put in but I do not fucking care enough to edit it because I already did that for the exact same fucking clip where the exact same fucking thing happened last thread so fuck off if you dont like it go watch Lost instead but somehow the next Lost clip I use is fine which is good because its set to a pretty good story that I think I also told in a podcast where I was having a lucid dream bout fucking my sister and buffy the vampire slayer but was woken up by my doorbell being rung by some fucking ned looking for another house because one of the numbers on my door fell off who I then screamed abuse at and slammed the door in his face please note flag, tek and the troll-1000 that I changed what my door number is for each time I tell the story so you cant dox me fuck you and then we aaaaaaaaalmost give up but within a second of almost leaving deso gets into a server and this is like one of the rare times our relationship was ever slightly strained since this was the one time I was really insisting something happened and deso vaguely didnt ant to do it so nice one dayz and since deso and I are in love 4 eva and are great nice people I'm sure this game has actually ended relationships and probably caused a few domestic violence incidents the only other time our relationship has ever been slightly strained was when Lost was ending and I was having a mental breakdown and started apologizing profusely to deso for not being able to make Lost threads and funnily enough it's her time to say sorry over and over again except this time it's a valid thing to say since playing DayZ with someone is really cruel lmao just kidding love ya babe and then at 06:20 I reach the peak of my editing cleverness by editing in a similar scene from Lost that synchs up really well with what happens to deso, fuck it I'll spoil it it's Kate being locked in a cage by the Others and it's deso running through elektro and suddenly A HACKER LOCKS HER IN A CAGE lmao welcome to DayZ where you can be made a sex slave at any moment this took a lot of fucking time actually because its like 999 clips I had to edit and only after I was done did I realize I downloaded these episodes in like 2006 in all higgilty piggilty qualities and formats so it looks weird as fuck but whatever fuck you its funny by these videos standards so deso starts talking shit to the hacker and trying to get him or anyone else to kill her that I've synched up with Kate undressing lmao since she's asking for it (whenever a girl takes her clothes off its ok to rape her) but then aww shit niggy DESO V STEPS THE FUCK OUT OF IT and shes like SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD RIGHT NOW, SEE IF I GIVE A SHIT, HOW MAD ARE YOU RIGHT NOW? 0/10, TROLL ME AGAIN, I WASNT EVEN FUCKING MAD lmao also the fraps footage we are talking about deso lost which is fine by me since I set it to funny Lost clips, also clay goes to bed after this video lmao so I never even get to play with him
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDbZTA7emUo
(un)fun(ny) fact: this video is all in real-time with no edits because its awwww shit nigga ACTUAL FUCKING GAMEPLAY TIME NIGGA it works this time because I pray to Hitler lmao and of course its night time but I just turn on my NVGs not giving a fuuuuuuck and as I give the coastline a scan with my thermalscope because it teleported me back onto an island I catch a guy as hes logging in on the beach and I almost shoot him on sight but he moves and as soon as he stops I fire at his neck so no matter the bullet drop it'll get him and he runs a wee bit and turns to look where the shot came from and I just start putting round after round into his chest and I can see him pissing blood and I'm like its a guy with the worst username ive ever seen and deso asks what it is and it's "zRyuuzakiX" which I'm sure is an anime reference or something but I say I literally cant read it it's so bad YEEEEEEEEEEEEES! YEEEHEHEEES!! I KILLED SOMEONE WITH HEAT VISION! IM THE FUCKING PREDATOR! and deso makes a cute giggle as I explain he's so owned he's just standing there in place, I guess thats because he was scrambling to log out or something and was half way disconnected idk fuck games, and then deso spawns in balato so she has to run past cherno and I have to run over elektro since I'm in kamyshovo and we can meet in the middle (NOT meet at the tip, because I'm not gay like plug drugs) and then after some Flirtatious Banter™ the game can sense we're getting close together so starts giving us all the bullshit it can muster, battleye making its way up the player list towards us, error messages about missing glasses and last but certainly not least A DISEMBODIED VOICE STARTS WHISPERING "I SEEEEE YOUUUUU" TO ME and I immediately realize it's a hacker after my jimmies and I know just how to deal with these sados since I spent 3 hours hanging out with one what they want is to get other people angry so first thing you do is dont get mad because then they'll feel like you're an asshole whos fair game to harass if you just sound scared and confused they will get less of a kick out of it but what they want more than that is just some fucking attention which is the most pathetic thing ever they just want any kind of reaction and if its screaming abuse then so be it but what they really want is positive attention like what I gave that kid acting like I thought he was really funny and cool or in this dickheads case engaging in his pathetic roleplay so thankfully I know all the bullshit and dirty tricks to just keep us alive long enough to meet DayZ has literally taught me how to talk my way out of a situation where someone with total control over you wants to hurt you so if I am ever in a hostage situation or something I will be completely fine so I get on the direct communications I am pro enough to already have selected PLEASE DONT KILL ME IM JUST TRYING TO MEET MY GIRLFRIEND and this dumbass who I presume has some sort of sound board playing I SEEEEE YOUUUU plays it with the exact same inflection and I guess he can turn himself invisible and is running along beside me after seeing me in the woods on his hacker map and teleporting to me I am actually lucky he didnt see my bandit skin and nvgs and high end thermalscope and presume I was a hacker too and kill me on sight but I just keep telling him I just want to meet my girlfriend and deso is like please dont die and I'm like THERES AN INVISIBLE HACKER AFTER ME lmao and the hacker says to me ARE YOU AFRAAAID? and I play along telling him YES, I DONT WANT ANY TROUBLE MR. GHOST, IM NOT THE PERSON THAT KILLED YOU AND MADE THIS FORREST HAUNTED AND IM NOT A PREIST SO I CANT DO EXORCISMS ON YOU I think maybe I played it too jokey since I was trying to be friendly and seem cool but I literally cannot stop being funny and since the guy starts making fucking stupid owl noises I think he is legitimately trying to scare me and get me to freak out for a youtube video or something well guess what bitch you have wandered your way into Ruby Calaber's DayZ Let's Play and I tell him I've never shot a bird in the game before lmao and then I hear BEHIIIIND YOUUUUU and he uncloaks behind me and he has a bandit scarf and nvgs on too but then A SECOND HACKER UNCLOAKS BESIDE HIM theres two of them fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck and I start making jokes about checking their doubles that they seem to like so they are probably /v/irgins and then this stupid fucking retard says in his real voice "whozagufend?" and I'm like u wot m8 and deso asks if I am ok very concerned she thinks this game is driving me insane lmao and she doesnt want me to die but I'm like its ok, I know how to deal with hackers, im gonna let him think hes in control, im not even going to try and attack him lmao so add terrorist negotiations to my massive list of operator skills I've learnt from DayZ and one of these retards clearly cannot speak english because he types in the chat we want scare her so I make sure desos ok with me bringing hackers to her since that seems to be what they want and tell her to act scared so they dont get bored and kill us and I am glad I didnt tell them deso's name or they'd probably just gotten bored faster and killed one of us before we could meet so I learnt about keeping information to yourself and if anyone asks you for it even if obviously you know it pull all the bullshit maneuvers you have to to keep them off the trail literally advanced level counter interrogation tactics going on they teach teir 1 CIA hit squads and then the footsteps stop so I guess they 'ported away and I explain to deso that IVE FOUND THAT HACKERS ARE SUCH PATHETIC FAILURES IN LIFE THAT IF YOU LITERALLY JUST LIKE TALK TO THEM AND BE LIKE OH THAT WAS FUNNY THEY'LL DO WHATEVER YOU FUCKING WANT BECAUSE THEY JUST WANT TO PLAY WITH SOMEONE WHO WONT EITHER IGNORE THEM OR JUST BE LIKE YOU'RE A FAGGOT AND DISCONNECT, THATS HOW FUCKING PATHETIC THEY ARE and then we talk about how ramen is a slut who sends people nudes that no one asked for while talking about how she's married lmao she wants to have an affair so badly but then deso runs into a strapped nigga and she just tells him IM JUST TRYING TO MEET MY BOYFRIEND and he probably cums his pants from hearing a girl speak for the first time in months like every other DayZ player and doesnt kill her and they exchange pleasantries about equipment and other players and briefly part ways before bumping into each other again and deso gets him to follow her so I can kill the motherfucker and I'm actually glad I didnt since after the last and final kill I got my DayZ kill count is 108, the sum of the Lost numbers, which greatly pleases my autism and this guy starts to get too far away from her so she says she has a broken leg and hopes hes too stupid to realize you cant run on them and she's like another lie, I feel like Dexter lmao and I also see another guy who seems lagged out with my heat vision from a while away so I start making my way towards him and this guy deso with starts talking over mic and is probably really nervous sounding talking to a girl (even though she said she had a bf, lmao what a loser!!!!!) because she says he has a nerd voice and then I watch with the thermal vision across the fields deso getting chased by a zombie and this dude fiddling to get his flashlight out lmao nice stealth skills m8 and deso wants to do something before I kill him I presume fuck him which woulda been fine with me since thats not cuckolding or gay if we're in on it together to murder him and I take out the zombie with my 1911 and then I hear coocoo again and I'm like OH SHIT THE GHOST IS BACK and he starts playing the I seeeeeeeeee youuuuuuuuuu sound again and I tell deso to play along with me which is great since we can talk on steam about how we'll talk in the game which is like some spy movie shit where we're under cover and giving each other intel over our comms and I pretend to be just telling her there's some spooky shit going on and disembodied footsteps and we give great performances if I do say so myself and when he goes coocoo again shes like y-yeah, I fucking heard that! and then this fucking ghost starts making this gargling noise and we pretend to think its zombies and shes all jesus fucking christ! sounding scared as fuck like a professional voice actress and I am all dont worry babe I'll protect you which is already how I genuinely feel towards deso lmao so not much acting is needed from me and deso pretends to want to leave and then a zombie starts running over I guess triggered by the fucking invisible hackers footsteps or our direct comms but THE ZOMBIE SUDDENLY DROPS DEAD AS SOON AS HE GETS CLOSE TO THE GHOST and we pretend to start freaking out and we leg it and deso is like jesus christ what is that and the ghost is all I seeee youuu and we hear footsteps after us and I'm like ITS THE GHOST ITS COMING FOR US!!! and the ghost starts going dont run... (since hackers just want to finally have friends lmao) and we start telling the ghost to leave us alone and the ghost is like HELLO MISSSSSSS VILLAGE lmmfao this fucking game nigga and we have to stifle our laughs to act scared and the ghost is like ARE YOU AFWAID? haha we would be if you didnt have a lisp you gay motherfucker and he does the I see you and bird noises shit again and deso's like fuck this FUCK THIS with better acting than most horror movies and legs it and actually bumps into this invisible hacker and then I spot a flashing light coming from the lighthouse which would be normal but in this game its a huge surprise so we make our way over to it and deso starts breaking down laughing while this ghost is like dont ruuuun... heeeelp meeeee.... and I'm like WHAT IS THIS, PARANORMAL ACTIVITY? lmao it really is a young couple being haunted by an invisible presence with heavy use of nightvision shots and suddenly deso starts running slower than me for no reason like the ghost is trying to possess her or something lmao and I wonder out loud if the ghost will get mad when we murder deso's nerd voice chum up the lighthouse but then I notice I'm losing blood from dehydration so I LITERALLY ASK THE GHOST IF HE HAS A DRINK FOR ME, ASKING IF I CAN MAYBE DRINK HIS ECTOPLASM, NOT THAT IM GAY OR ANYTHING trying to still play along and not let on that I know they're just hacking and can spawn a crate and a pathetic lil kid says back yeaaaaaah... we couuuuuuuuld clearly a second guy and deso is so amused she starts giggling and tells me I LOVE YOU RUBY which makes playing this shit game for 3 months and making these threads for a year all worth while and the ghost tells us not to move and I presumed so they could put something in our bags but then THERES A BURST OF GUN SHOTS BESIDE ME AND I LOOK AROUND AND SEE MUZZLE FLASHES FLOATING IN THE AIR BLASTING THE FUCK OUTTA THE NERDY VOICE GUY UP THE LIGHTHOUSE well thats him taken care of guess the ghost doesnt mind him dying after all I think he wanted to make sure he didnt interfere with what they've got planned for us and deso starts begging for her life and then we hear both of them saying DONT MOOOOVE and they spawn a hacker crate beside us and the ghost says taaaaake iiiiiit.... take the booooox... so I do and I start looking for a drink and deso's like HOLY SHIT when she sees the loot and I tell her in the game to get what she wants and THE GHOST SAYS GOT YOUR SOUL FOR IT AND THE CRATE EXPLODES KILLNG US BOTH hahahaahahahahha that right there sums up this game waiting 3 hours to get into a game and then going for a half hour long walking sim and then a hacker shows up and pretends to be a ghost haunting you and just when you think he's cutting you a break and giving you free loot its booby trapped and blows you to pieces but if you've got a friend with you it's still a good laugh and the best bit is we hear the guys normal voice on the you're dead screen saying GET FUCKED whats the matter m8, jealous I have a girlfriend and you dont?:smug: and I start laughing and saying WE TRADED OUR SOUL FOR A FUCKING PEPSI, AT LEAST WE DIED TOGETHER BABE a-and we tell each other we love each other :heart:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjFJb81ohWE
oh, you thought the stupid podcast bullshit was over? think again! here's another video of us waiting to join a server and flirting and chatting about what just happened in desos own words: MAYBE BECAUSE IT WAS WITH YOU BUT THAT WAS THE MOST FUN IVE HAD PLAYING DAYZ, I KNOW THATS NOT REALLY SAYING MUCH and there is some Good Editing™ at the end where we talk about south african miners getting gunned down and bringing bombs through airport security
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEIFFHjN_oE
after running around a nightmare debug plain populated by parlayed people and floating dots I finally spawn as like a muslim nigger man even though my humanity is at 0 so I go in a big walking sim to baloto airfield while flirting with deso some more until the game steals my turban for no reason and then I run around in a field for 10 minutes looking for deso which isnt helped by the zombies doing their best to use team work against me and the final appearance of triangles bursting out of the ground and waving about at me and then forming massive domes over me I think this is the craziest I have ever seen them since they are forming super-structures above the airfield preparing for the triangle invasion
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AFcz5nvwN4
I titled this video X X X since well..... you'll find out soon enough, but also because I noticed I had used alliteration of every other letter except x and you know what fucking words begin with that, in fact I kept track of how many letter alliteration since that's how autistic I am: A: 7, B: 9, C: 12, D: 11, E: 3, F:, 5, G: 5, H: 8, I: 3, J: 1, L: 1, L: 3, M: 9, N: 2, O: 1, P: 2, Q: 1, R: 3, S: 11, T: 17, U: 1, V: 3, W: 1, X: 1, Y: 1, Z: 1, so uh yeah.......... interesting stuff (if you have autism) anyway we finally meet up again and I show off my amazing zombie killing moves but deso is still for some fucking reason running slowly I guess she is still possessed by the ghost so when she runs away from zombies the hilarious rubber banding means they are both slowly jogging around at about 1 mph which is quite frankly incredible that seemingly her frame rate being low and displaying her character running slowly actually does make her character run slowly in the game world and shes like ALL I WANNA DO IS SUCK YOUR DICK IN-GAME UGH but the game finally gives us a break and the zombies fuck off and the triangles come together to form a privacy partition for us as deso get down on her knees and starts sucking my big black cock and I literally use V-step to throat fuck her so hard she starts seeing the triangles, then I order her to turn around and bend over so I can open her coyote pack and put my cooked meat in her slot and then as we bathe in our cyber sex afterglow we stand back and romantically watch the massive black and pink triangles merge into each other and then we very slowly run to cherno with deso doing the like half running in place animation as the triangles start getting uppity and spinning around in place to scare us away lmao and after some Excruciatingly Slow Walking Sim™ where the zombies literally get in front of deso and then patiently wait for her to slowly walk past them we get to the church in cherno and deso literally goes into a corner to take a piss so I have to actually aim for once and headshot a zombie to protect her so it was good that my final zombie kill was actually skillful and I hear gunshots and go to check them out but they've left by the time deso gets back so I still have a 108 killcount and I head back into the church and since theres so many crowbars in there we talk about half life 3 and the dogs that will be added to the game and I say I've already been a dog so I dont really need to own one lmao and then deso starts walking into a corner over and over again as the yellow disconnect icon comes up and then the NO MESSAGE RECEIVED FOR 12 SECONDS message pops up so I disconnect and see my nigger character turn white one last time and I ask deso if she wants to find another server and she says FUCK. NO. IM DONE. so we call it quits and after deso gives me a bit of femdom humiliation for ever saying this game was good we decide to watch an episode of community together :3 but at least the last thing that happened in the game was we were literally at the alter together in a church so what better of an ending?
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v606/rubycalaber/zombiewedding_zps99eb728a.png~original
it's almost Lostian, there's the main story ending with lots of violence but the main character triumphs over evil and then there's a sort of epilogue where the hero meets the love of his life and they move onto a better place inside a church so yeah that is this series of DayZ videos over, maybe I will make a season 2 or whatever and actually try to edit funny to watch videos since I wasnt even thinking of an audience when I edited these a year ago, so at least I learnt something: my videos are really terrible and no one wants to watch them, other than two teenage girls and one mutant eared freak