Jokes

[bananadong]

The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her a gift. As she unwrapped it, she said "It's a fucking wand! What do I want with a fucking wand? Are you saying I'm a witch?" "No no. And it's not just any wand" I replied "It's a magic wand!"

"Oh yeah?" she said. "What does it do?" "Why don't you give it a shake" I told her "and don't forget to say the magic words".

"Okay" she said shaking the wand. "Abracadabra!"

"Fuck me, that's amazing!" I said, peering down the side of the bed. "You're not going to believe this".

"What is it?" she asked all excitedly.

I said "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"

[bananadong]

My wife had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realised that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realised her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before". The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed".
--
I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired". His buddy says "Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do". A fellow about age 70, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit".
--
A little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He sees his mother bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says "Mummy, what are you doing?" "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out. The boy replied "Why bother. Every Tuesday the Auntie Jane comes over and blows him back up again!"
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A 10-year-old girl asks her mother... "Mummy, how was I born?" The mother smiled and replies "Once upon a time your father and I planted a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the soil and I looked after it. Every day I gave it water and fertilizer. After a while the seed started to grow into a lovely plant with pretty green leaves. After a few months the plant grew big and healthy with lots of buds. When the plant was about 4 feet tall we cut it down and dried it". "... and?" "Then we smoked it and got so high that we boned without a condom".
--
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day. I also listen to their conversations, give ahem the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them and to others I tell the truth (OK that's not normal on FB but!! And it works just like Facebook! I already have at least four people following me: Two tramps one policeman and a psychiatrist!
--
"A Irishman gave instructions for the headstone for his recently departed wife. He wanted the words "She was Thine" on the stone. "A short time later he was told the headstone had been erected, so he went to the cemetery to check. He was horrified to read "She was Thin". "Naturally, he went straight to the monumental masons to complain that they had left the "E" off his wife's headstone. He was assured the matter would be dealt with immediately. A day or so later he returned to the cemetery to view the corrected inscription, only to read: "Ee, She was Thin"
--
A guy shoved his charity bucket in front of my face. He said "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?" I stopped and said "Do you?" "Do I?" he hesitated. "Of course, I do". I said "Then get the fuck out of my way, you're between me and Maccas".

[bananadong]

Charlie went to the doctor's office one day because he was having trouble getting 'little Charlie' hard. He explains his predicament to the doctor who prescribes him some pills and tells him to come back a week later.

A week later Charlie returns and says to the doctor "No luck, doc. These pills didn't seem to work, I still can't get little Charlie hard".

So, the doctor prescribes him even stronger pills and tells him to come back and report what happened in a week's time once again.

Once again, Charlie returns and says "No luck, still can't get him hard. Please doc, I'm desperate! Don't you have anything that can get little Charlie hard? Surely you have something?"

The doctor says "Okay, I didn't want to do this, but there is a remedy. The only thing is, I'll have to inject it directly into little Charlie". "No problem doc!" says Charlie happily. "I'll try anything, as long as little Charlie can get hard again!"

The doctor injects little Charlie and tells Charlie to come back in a week again to report back.

Three days later however, Charlie rings up the doctor and says "Wow doc, this has been great, but little Charlie has now been hard for three days already, and he really needs a rest. I really need you to make him soft again for a bit".

The doctor says "Sorry, no can do, the effects of the injection are permanent. You did agree you wanted it".

"Shit" says Charlie. "What was in the injection doc, if I may ask?" The doctor replies "Three of sand and one of cement".

[bananadong]

So this just happened, I witnessed a council road worker squashing an innocent snail with his foot. I asked what did he do that for? He replied the fucking thing had been following him around all day!
--
Apparently, there is bi-partisan agreement in Parliament that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain. In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
--
Mother and her dear little six-year-old son visit a friend who's just given birth to a baby with no ears. Mother: "Oh! Doesn't he have lovely eyes, I bet he can see for miles with them". Son: "I bloody well hope so as he will never wear glasses".
--
While carpenters were working outside the old house Liz had just bought, she busied herself with indoor cleaning. Liz had just finished washing the floor when one of the carpenters asked to use the bathroom. With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors. Just a minute, thinking of a quick solution, Liz said; " l will put down newspapers". The carpenter responded; "That's all right, lady. I'm already house trained".
--
I was told my Egyptian optician had died. Asif Eyecare.
--
For our holiday I got a map of the world, gave my partner a dart, and said we would go wherever the dart lands. I'm happy to announce in August we're going to spend a lovely two weeks picnicking next to the skirting board.
--
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice" said the neighbour "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him". "Cured him!" asked the woman "but how?" The neighbour said "You see, his name is Bill".
--
Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used Condom hanging off your dick. Especially when you weren't wearing one when you started.
--
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this" said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow" said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run!" said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred-yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir" he said "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it".
--
On a menu I saw "Golden Soup" listed. I asked the waitress why it was called Golden Soup. She said it was because there were twenty-four carrots in it.
--
I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions. In the morning, she told me she had a confession. "That's the first time I've done that" she said. "Sex or a one-night stand?" I asked. "Sex. You see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex". "That's fine, I don't mind" I said. She looked at me, with an excited look in her face and said "Good because I much prefer being Christina".

[bananadong]

An angry wife says to her husband "I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "You would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country!"
--
I went to my girlfriend's funeral today. It was the first time I'd met her parents... what a pair of miserable bastards!
--
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

[bananadong]

Teacher is in the class facing the pupils. One is little Jimmy, the foulest mouthed kid in the school. "Oh well she thinks to herself, I will just try to ignore him".

"So pupils, in today's English lesson we are going to study the word 'fascinate'. Can anybody give me a sentence with 'fascinate' in it?"

Jimmy sticks his hand straight up. "Oh miss! Miss!! Me!"

She ignores him and goes to little Timmy, who says "Yesterday evening I watched a dinosaur movie with my daddy, I found it fascinating". "Not bad" said the teacher "but that's not quite the word we were looking for, anybody else?"

Jimmy hand again shot up "Miss! Oh miss!! Meee!".

She continues to ignore Jimmy and turns to Samantha, who said "In the evening I like to look at the stars through my telescope, because astronomy fascinates me".

"Not bad either" said the teacher "but still not the exact word we were looking for. Anybody else?"

Now only Jimmy has BOTH hands up, so reluctantly she said "Okay Jimmy what have you got?"

"Well" said Jimmy "I went to the shops last week and saw a lady with a 10 button shirt".

The teacher is thinking this is not too bad. "Go on Jimmy, a 10 button shirt..?" "Yeah" he said "her tits were so fucking big she could only fasten eight!"

[bananadong]

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.


The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby,'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though". the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear,'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''


''He's a martyr too,'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me,'' says the other.


''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,'' she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school.''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[bananadong]

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided what the hell, he'll try it.

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realised his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the road. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied "What?"

He heard "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted". "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago".

[bananadong]

Two Vicars in their lovely Devon parishes meet up every Tuesday for lunch at a pub in between the 2 villages. They always go for a ride on their bikes afterwards.

One week one of the Vicars turns up very late, out of breath and no bike. The other asks where his bike is. And the reply is it's been stolen from outside the church.

"The problem is I don't want to offend any of parishioners however it must have been one of them that took it I don't know what to do".

The other Vicar says my advice would be at your service next Sunday go through the 10 commandments when you get to "Thou shall not steal" the guilty party will realise the error of his ways and return your bike.

The following week the vicar turns up on his bike, his colleague says "The ten commandments speech worked I see" the other vicar says "Sort of, when I got to "thou shall not commit adultery" I remembered where I left it!!"

[bananadong]

"Hello, you have reached the 'Men's Help Line.' My name is Ken. How can I help you?"

"Hi Ken, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; the phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up.

Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her.

When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

[bananadong]

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child. Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.
--
A man goes to a job interview and presents himself well. The interviewers are really impressed by how professional he is. "Wow! You have an amazing resume and you present yourself fantastically but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume, what happened there?" Asked an interviewer". Oh that's when I went to Yale" says the man and the interviewers are even more impressed and offer him a job on the spot. The man shows his gratitude by saying "Thank you for the yob"
--
Tea is an evil substance! I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers up until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was at home drinking tea. You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed up to bed as she shouted at me, all night long and even into the next morning. Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, just don't drink it!
--
Someone attacked me with a bat in the park last night. To be fair, I was amazed that he had managed to train it so well.
--
Mum was cleaning Junior's room one day and she found a bondage magazine under his bed. This made her very upset. She put it back under his bed until his father got home and showed him. He gave it a look and handed it right back to her without a word, so she asked him "What should we do about this?" Dad paused and said "Well, whatever you do, I don't think you should spank him".
--
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble". The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! Leave your knickers on... just stick out your tongue!"
--
An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on "Take your kid to work day". As they were walking around the office the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you work with?"
--
A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol. She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. She says "I want you to see this". She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear "what do you have to say about this experiment?" The child responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

[bananadong]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too fucking late pal, I've already done the paperwork!"
--
Dan sends a text to his son "My Dear Son, today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes. Your Father". His son texts back: "Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!" His father replies "I know".
--
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
--
A guy goes to work and before he even gets a chance to sit his personal assistant starts reporting "... our profits have diminished by 5%, we lost the job in China meaning we look at another 10% losses by the end of the semester, Mr. Jones has given us his resignation, your wife called and said that she is leaving you and she is taking the children with her and the big boss wanted to see you asap and he appeared to be very angry. So he looks at his personal assistant and asks "All that you told me were so bloody negative do you have any positive news to give me?" "As a matter of fact I do. The COVID test you did yesterday came back positive!"
--
An exercise for people who are out of shape: begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
--
Johnny's time at the pickle factory didn't last long. He'd only been there a week when he came home looking very agitated. "What's wrong?" asked his friend. "I've got this terrible urge to put my willy in the pickle slicer". "Aagh! it'll all end in tears, you've got to overcome this feeling". Johnny promised he'd try but a couple of weeks later he came back looking well pissed off. "What's wrong, you didn't weaken and put your willy in the pickle slicer". "I did" replied Johnny "and you were right, it did end in tears. I got the sack and the pickle slicer... she was fired too".
--
The girl knelt in the confessional and said "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned". "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am". The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin. It's just that you are very mistaken".
--
Two Irishmen lose their oars after paddling far out into the ocean. They were lost and had no idea what to do. One of them finds a bottle floating and picks it out of the water only to find a genie pop out. The genie says he will grant them only one wish. Without hesitation, one of them shouts "I want the ocean water to turn to Guinness!" The genie grants his wish and disappears. The other Irishman was furious with his partners quick decision. He looks at him and screams "You moron! Your hasty decision has screwed us! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
--
An angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wanted to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best. The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad" said the woman "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there". "They don't like that in Heaven" said the Angel. The woman replied "They're not crazy about it in the supermarket either!"
--
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, it would be a good time to wash it".

[bananadong]

Thought I'd seen the end of the Trick or Treaters after I'd poured a bucket of piss over the last lot through my upstairs window, but, fuck me, within five minutes two much older looking kids knocked on the door and got the same treatment. I'd love to see them explain the smell when they take those police costumes back to the fancy dress shop.
--
A guy dressed as a chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg. Apparently, the answer is Chicken.
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As I came out of the supermarket today, I saw a charity worker standing in the rain. On the front of his bucket was written 'Collecting For The People Of Africa' I thought to myself, it'd be quicker to find a tap."
--
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and *BOOM* she had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husbands turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand, and *BOOM* he was ninety.
--
Hello everyone. For almost the entirety of my life I have been a detritivore. What does this mean? Well essentially this means I eat dead things. Yes, I do eat steak and other carcass. But I would almost always rather eat fresh Road kill. When I was about 12 years old my friend Timmy and I would play ball in my driveway. One time I threw the ball a little too far ahead and Timmy ran after it. Timmy ran into the road and was killed instantly by oncoming traffic. I ran over to him, kneeled down, and fed on Timmy's body, I also then marinated his remains. Timmy’s mother never got the closure on how Timmy disappeared. Unfortunately, she ended up hanging herself. I ended up consuming her as well.
--
A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him "Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys". And he said "I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney". The nurse replied "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black".
--
Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, angry, short tempered, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press. Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
--
A very badly beaten up man came to a hospital. The Dr asked what the hell happened to him. Man: I was banging my neighbour over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said: It's my husband! Quick, try the back door. Man: Thinking back I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
--
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. I replied "Yes just once". The doctor asked "What was it like?" I said "It was dark, then suddenly very bright".

[bananadong]

A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years. He recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook tea with the other, dust with one foot while sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her ass. Shes a swiss army wife.
--
My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.
--
A tourist was fishing off the coast of Florida when his boat tipped over. He could swim, but he was afraid of alligators and hung on to the side of the overturned boat. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted out "Are there any 'gators around here?" "Naw" the man hollered back. "They haven't been around here for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming calmly toward the shore. About halfway there, he asked the guy "How'd you get rid of the 'gators?" "We didn't do anything" said the beachcomber. "The sharks got 'em".
--
Police are reporting that a nine-year-old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.
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Father: "Son, you were adopted". Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!" Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes".
--
When I woke this morning, my wife was standing in the kitchen looking sexy in her nightie, and preparing my usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast. As I walked in she turned to me and said "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" We went at it, there and then on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said "Thanks" pulled down her nightie and returned to the stove. "How come you're so horny this morning" I said. "I'm not" she replied "The egg timer's broken".
--
A deaf old lady walks into her local fishmongers and asks for a piece of cod "Sorry, Ma'am, we've got no cod" "Yes, sonny, a nice piece of cod" "We have NO cod" "I don't want haddock, just the cod" This exchange continues with the fishmonger getting more and more exasperated. He grabs a piece of paper and in big bold letters writes CFOD and shows it to the lady. With a puzzled look, she says "There's no f in cod" "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
--
I told my wife "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight". She asked me "What is that?" I explained "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!" "Okay" she said "I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second... we don't go down past my mother's".
--
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse called Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $5,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
--
Six friends -two straight guys and a gay guy- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny". Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously "It doesn't look good, Dick".

[bananadong]

A black man, Mexican man and a redneck are walking down the beach one day when they stumble upon a magical lamp.

They rub it and a Genie pops out!

"Thank you for freeing me from 1000 years inside! I will grant each of you ONE wish!"

The black man goes first. "I wish all black people could be returned to Africa to live peacefully and happily with all the resources to guarantee a great life for many generations to come".

*POOF* his wish is granted.

The Mexican man goes next: "I wish all Mexican people could be returned to Mexico to live peacefully and happily with all the resources to guarantee a great life for many generations to come".

*POOF* his wish is granted.

The redneck says "Wait... so all the blacks are in Africa... and all the Mexicans are in Mexico? And I'll never see them again?"

"Yes" says the genie.

"Okay. I guess I'll have a Diet Coke".

[bananadong]

An elderly woman walked into the bank one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied "$165,000".

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square".

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly" replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are NOT square." "Done" the elderly woman answered "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind, I would like to come back at 10 o’clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem" said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course" said the president "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that at 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the president of the banks balls in my hand!"

[bananadong]

My wife told me that she was cold this morning, I told her to go stand in the corner and she would warm up, how is this possible she asked. I told her the corner is 90 degrees.
--
A young straight couple was in love but they were so poor they could only afford to get married at a gay church. So they met with their gay pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants" whispered the pastor. "Umm, Reverend, I've changed my mind" the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service".
--
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals easily. Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest". "What?" the coach says in a panic "How far down does it go?" She replies "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about".
--
A Sydney man took his neighbour to court suing for damages. The complaint was that the neighbour's Chihuahua had killed the man's Doberman. The judge said "That's ridiculous, how could a tiny Chihuahua kill a great big Doberman?" The man replied "It got stuck in his throat".
--
A Muslim immigrant kid asks his mother "Mama, what's a Democracy and what is Racism?" "Well, son, Democracy is when Australian tax payers work every day so we can get all our benefits, you know like free housing, free healthcare, more welfare payments than Australian pensioners get, and on and on, you know, that's Democracy". "But Mama, don't the Australian tax payers, and pensioners get pissed off about that?" "Sure they do, and that's called Racism!"
--
A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one. He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago. "Mumma, look what I found!" the boy called out. "What do you have there?" his mother asked. With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
--
The wife came dancing into the living room wearing a new dress she had bought. Pushing her hands down over her hips and looked at a window reflection and said "Do you think this dress I'm wearing makes me look fat?" I looked over the paper "No, it's the fat your wearing that makes you look fat".
--
Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her make up.
--
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" "Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" "Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money". Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.
--
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening. She was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied "Oh, yeah? Prove it". He frowned for a moment, then said "Okay". He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"

[bananadong]

After making love to Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are two things you all need to know. She really is as sexy as hell and, secondly, the staff at Madam Tussaud's are miserable bastards with no sense of humour.
--
One night a lady with a black eye stumbled into a police station. She told the desk sergeant that she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye. "Did you get hit by the same attacker?" his captain asked. "No, sir" he replied. "I stepped on the same rake".
--
In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut, as it happens), people from Liverpool in England have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Liverpool's inner-city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
--
Kyle and Justin were about to eat with their babysitter when 6-year-old Kyle said "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!" "Daddy's not home" the babysitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today, I'm the boss". Justin, the 4-year-old, quickly piped up "If you're the boss, you sit over there in Mummy's chair.
--
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. Judge: "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane"... Mickey replied "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking Goofy!"
--
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard" replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine" said the girl. "I'll take ten yards". With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled "Grandpa will pay the bill".
--
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man's leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passer-by saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass".

[bananadong]

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business. Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. BEST PRICES!" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store. Best quality!" The one in the middle thinks about it for a while and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. MAIN ENTRANCE!"
--
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir" the older one replied. "I see" said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother". "Your mother? You idiot, women do not have penises!" "I know, sir" replied the recruit "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could!"
--
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion. The Italian said "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, nonstop for five minutes". The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight". The Aussie said "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours". The Italian and Frenchman, are astonished, and asked "Two full hours? Wow! that's unbelievable. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Aussie replied "I wiped my hands on the curtains".
--
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me". She replies "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221".
--
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court" said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
--
A new, fast, sex-change procedure was unveiled recently at a medical conference. Finally, there is a rapid new method to simply attach a penis to a woman who wishes to become a man. Delegates deliberated for hours trying to figure out what to call this new breakthrough. They sat discussing: "Well, when a man has his ducts tied, it's a vasectomy, when a women gets sorted out down there it's called a hysterectomy, giving a man a woman's organ is called a vaginoplasty... etc". And, so they went on. Until one guy said: "I know, why don't we call it the strapacocktomy?"
--
A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea'. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked return it tomorrow and get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself'. So, she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says "My god, it wasn't that creased in the shop". His funeral is this Thursday.
--
Just buried my wife today after she died about a month ago. Whilst at the funeral, the undertaker pulled me one side and asked me why it had taken me so long to bury my wife after being dead for a whole month. I said I hadn't even noticed she had died at first. Shocked and surprised he asked me "Why's that?" To which I replied "Well the sex was still pretty much the same, but after a month I noticed the dishes and washing started piling up".

[bananadong]

A man is stopped by an old woman who was holding out seeds and says "Take these seeds and you will be on your way to success".
The man takes the seeds and plants them, going to sleep and waking up the next day to find the seeds have sprouted into a gigantic tree.
A booming voice rings out from above him: "Climb this tree to success!"
The man does so, climbing into the tree and climbing up, he finds a clear patch on a thick flat branch and sees an old man, the old man says "I know success well and I can teach you a lot, but continue to climb and you will learn success yourself".
The man agrees and climbs higher, climbing up until he sees that the limbs were turning gold and leaves were becoming jewels, coming to another landing to see piles of gold coins.
The man thinks there must be more if he continues so he continues climbing and comes to the third landing, a beautiful woman was standing there, dazzling in the light of the sun.
"I am the embodiment of your fantasies, I'll do anything you request, but if you wish, you can continue climbing to the top to success".
The man, a buzzing question, what could be at the top, raced through his mind, so he continues to climb. At the very top was the final clearing, the old man from before standing before him. The man turns around with a big grin under his bushy beard and says. "Hello, I'm Cess".

[bananadong]

* After a few seconds the underpants let out a huge long fart.

[bananadong]

At dawn, the telephone rings.
"Hello, senor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house". "Ah yes Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead". "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one". "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Bob". "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse". "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Bob". "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart". "Are you insane?" What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor". "Good Lord, what fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house Senor! A candle fell and your curtains caught on fire". "What the hell? Are you saying my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?"
"Yes, Senor Bob". "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Bob...." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Bob. She showed up very late one night, and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her on the head with your Ping G15 titanium head golf club with the new TFC 149D graphite shaft".
SILENCE...
LONG SILENCE...
VERY LONG SILENCE...
"Ernesto, if you broke that fucking driver, you're in deep shit!"

[bananadong]

Two Aussies, Ferret and Knackers, were adrift in a life boat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.. He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie!
This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher.
The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was that had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat".

[bananadong]

After having their eleventh child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem".
"Trust me, it will do the job" said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5" at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

[bananadong]

I went out nightclubbing last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said "Good legs". The girl giggled and said "Do you really think so?" I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now".

[bananadong]

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat". Little Johnny replied "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old". The man asked "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

[bananadong]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mum" he exclaimed "for me?" "Just take two" Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father".

[bananadong]

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door". John says "Well, give me some examples". Jill proceeds to tell him "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me". "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either". Then Jill said "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" John proceeds to say "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock".

[bananadong]

A man answers his front door and there's a Guard standing there holding a photo. "Is this your wife, sir?" says the Guard. Shocked, the man says "Yes, it is". Guard says "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". "Yeah I know" says the man "but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids".

[bananadong]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right". The man thanked the boy kindly and said "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday... I'll show you how to get to Heaven". The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're bullshitting me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office!"