Jokes

[bananadong]

One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Craig, the home owner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night" the Postman commented. Craig, in obvious pain, replied "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"
The Postman thought for a moment and said "How do you play WHO AM I?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..."
The postman laughed and said "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it". "Probably a good thing you did" Craig responded "Your name came up 7 times".

[bananadong]

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde - the works!
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your driver's license?" "What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration... what's that...?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment" said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute" said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back "Umm... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes" replied the officer. "Is she a drop-dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes" replied the cop. "Here's what you do" said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back and drop your pants". "What? I can't do that. It's... very inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it" said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs... "Ohh no, not another breathalyzer...

[bananadong]

A woman went to her doctor clinic. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63-years-old, she has been widowed for 5 years, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

[bananadong]

A man phoned his doctor saying his wife appeared to have appendicitis. "That's impossible" the physician replied. "She had an appendectomy last year. Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?" "No, arsehole" the husband replied. "Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?"

[bananadong]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards. Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, in and out. She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was so wet. She moaned softly at first then began to groan louder. Finally, she screamed loudly "Okay, okay!! You smug bastard! You park the fucking car!!".

[bananadong]

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line". "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[bananadong]

The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer some of them an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major. When asked where he would like to be measured, he replied "From the tip of my dick to the back of my balls".
The man asked if he wanted to reconsider his choice, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to drop 'em, which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the dick and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed. "Where are your testicles?"
The old Sergeant Major calmly replied "Vietnam".

[bananadong]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
"So" the coach continued "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head".
Do you understand all that?" Again, the little boy nodded.
He continued "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a-hole', is it?" Again, the little boy nodded.
"Good" said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother".

[bananadong]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean? I'm fine". "What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before". "Well" said the pirate "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really". "Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands". "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really". "Oh" said the bartender "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes". "One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye". "You're kidding" said the bartender "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!" "Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet..."

[bananadong]

There was a 80-year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman. A year later the woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 9lb 8oz baby boy. The old man replied "This old motor is still a' running!"
Next year his wife had another baby and the doctor came out and told the man that he was the father of a 8lb 5oz baby girl.
The old man replied "This old motor is still a' running!"
The next year his wife was back in the hospital yet again, having their third child and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 10lb 9oz baby boy. The old man replied again "This old motor is still a' running!''
And the doctor said "Yeah... but you better get your oil changed because this one is black".

[bananadong]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello". He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks "Do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids". Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girlfriend whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly "No, I'm your son's teacher".

[bananadong]

Many people are unaware how much the ability to spell correctly is overrated.

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

[bananadong]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers ahead of them. The engineer fumed "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him".
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime".
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said "Why can't these guys play at night?"

[bananadong]

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Big Piney, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball? The barber replied "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

[bananadong]

Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says "You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..." "Let me tell you a story" says the other man "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you and to your right is a very horny gay man". "So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man. "Well... which one do you turn your back on??"

[bananadong]

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?" Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied". The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says "You'd better hurry home right now. My wife died a year ago".

[bananadong]

The Australian poetry competition had come down to two finalists - a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word then allowed to make up a poem using the word: Timbuktu. The university graduate went first. He stepped to the microphone and said "Slowly across the desert sand trekked a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination, Timbuktu". The crowd went crazy. No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited "Me and Tim, a huntin' we went, met three whores, in a pop up tent, they were three, and we was two, so I bucked one and Timbuktu".

[bananadong]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps.
He whispers in her ear "Here... iron this... then get me a beer".

[bananadong]

A rich man decided to throw a party and invited all of his mates and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.He held the part y around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said "I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in".
No sooner the words were out of his mouth when there was a loud *splash* and everyone turned around to see Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc with all he had and actually kicking its arse! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo master. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in awe. After a few moments the host says "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars". "Nah, you all right bloke, I don't want it" said Jimmy. The rich man said "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet!" "How about half a million bucks then?" "No bloke. I don't want it" answered Jimmy. The host said "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again, Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?" Jimmy said "I want the name of the cunt who pushed me in the pool".

[bananadong]

A senior General is visiting a field hospital during the First World War. He comes into a ward and approaches the first bed, where the soldier struggles to come to attention, lying down.

"At ease" says the general. "Why are you here?" "Piles, sir. Chronic piles. Can't walk sir on account of the piles". "I see" says the general. "What treatment are you being given?" "Wire brush, sir. Wire brush morning and evening". "Jolly good. jolly good. And what do you want most in life?" "I want to get better so I can go out and kill the Hun for King and Country, sir". "First rate. Carry on". And the general goes to the next bed.

"At ease" says the general to the next chap. "Why are you here?" "Crabs sir. Chronic infestation of crabs". "I see" says the general, easing away a little. "What treatment?" "Wire brush sir. Morning and evening, wire brush". "Excellent. First class. And what do you most want in life?" "I want to get well so I can kill hundreds of the bosche, sir". "That's the spirit". The general moves on to the third bed.

"At ease" says the general. "What are you in hospital for?" "Pyorrheoa, sir. Chronic infection of the gums". "Yes, good, good. What treatment?" "Wire brush, sir. Morning and evening, wire brush". "That's the spirit. And what do you desire most in life?" "To get my hands on the wire brush before those two bastards use it".

[bananadong]

An American is in Saudi Arabia for a business meeting. But at the airport he finds out that the meeting is on the other side of the desert. So, he starts walking...
After a couple of hours, he is very tired and very hot. Luckily, he reaches a camel rental station so he decides to rent one to continue his journey.
Since he had never ridden a camel before, he asks the attendant how to ride it. The attendant responds: "Simple! You get on top of the camel. When you want him to start walking you say 'wow'. When you want him to go faster, you say 'wow, wow'. If you want him to go really fast, you say 'wow, wow, wow'".
So the guy gets on the camel and says "Wow". The camel starts walking. The guy thinks 'Hey! this is cool. I can get a hang of this". So he says "Wow, wow". The camel starts running slowly.
Well, the guy likes that and he thinks 'Let's see what this baby can do!' So he says "Wow, wow, wow". At this point the camel starts dashing across the desert. The guy notices that a deep ravine is approaching - really fast! At this point he realises that he forgot to ask the attendant what the 'stop' command was.
Well, he gets really scared and starts praying. The ravine keeps getting closer and closer. Right when him and the camel are about to dive into the ravine, he finishes his prayer with "Amen". Hearing this word, the camel suddenly stops; right at the edge of the cliff. The guy, white as a ghost, leans forward and looks at the bottom of the really deep ravine and says "Wow!"

[bananadong]

A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently" the pro replied "just like you'd hold your wife's breasts". The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! he hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard". "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's 'thingy'". The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and *THUMP* the ball sails straight down the fairway... about 15 ft. "That was great" the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!"

[bananadong]

Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.
Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in". "But we're only privates" protests Paddy. "We're Lance Corporals now" says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink". "But we're privates" says Paddy. "You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.
"You're cute" she says "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea".
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign".
So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big 'thumbs up'.
Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
Mick says to Paddy "Why did you give me the thumbs up?" "Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates... and we're Lance Corporals now!"

[bananadong]

A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. The startled doctor jumped back in surprise then shook his head and exclaimed "For fucks sake, you really have to learn to trust me".

[bananadong]

A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled "The wall! Watch the fucking wall!"

[bananadong]

--
Young Susie was having trouble with her computer so she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away Susie called after him "So, what was wrong?" And he replied "It was an 'ID ten T' error". A puzzled expression ran riot over Susie's face. " 'An ID ten T' error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an 'ID ten T' error before?" Susie replied "No". "Write it down" he said "and I think you'll figure it out"... I D 1 0 T.

[bananadong]

An Emergency Call Centre worker has this week been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment. It seems a male caller dialled 000 from a cell phone stating "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah". Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...

[bananadong]

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says "Oh just a beer". The bartender asked the man "What's wrong? Why are you so down today?". The man said "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month". The bartender said "So what's wrong with that"? The man said "Well the month is up tonight".

[bananadong]

Farmer Brown, from Minnesota, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.
"Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull's rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop". The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed. Farmer Brown was thrilled.

Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross. He says to himself "I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself". He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Luke. "Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing".

Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened. Finally, he said "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Let's trade positions and you blow and I will watch". Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.
"What the hell are you doing, Luke?" says Farmer Brown. "What do you think? I ain't blowing on the same end that you did!"

[bananadong]

One day a man walks into a whore house. He goes to the pimp and says "I want something different". The pimp says "Well, we have one girl that loves to take it up the ass". "No, that's too common. I want something different". "Well, have you ever tried a Hurricane Gussy?" "I'll be damned, that is different. I'll try that".
The man goes up to the room and takes off his clothes. A minute later, a huge Amazon type woman comes in. She starts jumping up and down, blowing as hard as she can.
The man says "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm Hurricane Gussy and that is the wind coming from the Hurricane". "Okay, I'll buy that".
Then she starts beating him over the head with her breasts. "What the hell are you doing?" "Those are the coconuts nuts falling off the tree hittin' you on the head". The man says "Alright".
Then she stands over top of him and starts pissing all over him. "What the hell are you doing?!" "Those are the warm rains coming from the hurricane".
The man gets up and starts to put on his clothes. Gussy says "Where are you going?" "I'm leaving!! Who can fuck in this weather?!"