Cag Me A Rainbow; Bitch - A Rubynet Fan Fict
listen here http://rubynetfanfict.ytmnd.com
DP notes a bitter taste in the air as he and Lisa walk into an internet chat room. The room is furnished with antiquated furniture of the antique variety. On the walls hung gilded picture frames, most empty but some occupied with maps of the late Continental power Australia and stills of jack from lost. After breathing deep the cigar smoke and musty aroma of gentleman internet chat club, Lisa feeling at home once again decides to sit in one of the great leather stitched love seated sofas. With the squeaking of leather Lisa quickly lays down and across the entire sofa as she notice lady cag enter the club quarters. Cag has the queerest ability to find herself in the same seat as Lisa without recollection as to how this had occurred. Lisa, with the knowledge of her continental country, had diagnosed cag with a common Australian ailment of being an obsessive bush-pig. Whilst this petty drama unfolded, DP had made his way to the bar and had squired his favorite tonic. while taking a seat on a stool next to a window and the blazing fire place DP began Noticing how all the portraits of Jack from lost never broke eye contact with any of the users in the chat room, DP asked himself if this was the artists intention, had they been painted so that the eyes faced directly out of the canvas, he could almost swear he saw the jack in the center of the room twitch like he was holding something in for a very long time. As if he had been preoccupied with the game of conversation or conversing the strategies of games, and had neglected to let something go, to relieve himself of a certain burden. Despite this, DP peered across the room and noticed cag eyeing Lisa’s hair and scribbling some scratch into her black book of standard insults. Lisa however was preoccupied with funeral arrangements for her aging cat until she was interrupted by DP...
"Can I smell your pussy?", the question being posed by the charmingly disheveled DP.
"No!" quickly replied the pink haired lady
"Oh, then it must be your feet".
-END CHAPTER I-
"My feet do NOT produce any disturbing odor!". commanded the pink haired maiden. "I'm always subject to accusations of being a maker of trouble, the origin of all issues on the internet and its just not right... I plead innocence".
Just then Doli darted out from underneath a pool table, his french mustache and baguette spangled with tufts of dust. "I must interject as well as agree with Lisa, I've concluded she is incapable of producing any natural human odor as result of the frequency she hits the showers!". Doli struck a match as to mask the scent that had now diffused around the room.
DP interjects “I suppose your right Doli-boy, of all the times I have silently and skillfully pulled in a whiff of the back of Lisa's head, without her knowledge I may add, It has always propagated the taste of Aussie Miracle Moist Shampoo- ahh.... what untouched (and unwashed) loins of the 21st century gentleman could resist the thought of Queensland macadamia hair product..."
And then Doli proposed a thought, "Could it be that steveyos's gout has finally gotten the best of him and he has been rotting away from the inside?" The three peered over to the furthest corner of the room (whilst Cag only glanced and returned her gaze onto her rival bitch) and under a single lighting fixture in a large reclining chair laid a snoring steveyos- who has stoned himself to sleep hours earlier.
"Doli you fuck, organic decomposition couldn't occur that quickly, and besides you can see hes still breathing" noted Lisa who saw the ash of his unlit L roll off his stomach and onto the cushion beneath his ass.
As the disturbed members of the club scanned the room for a the source of their problems, DP kept his attention on steveyos's flowing main until- "A NIGGER FACE! THERE IN THE SHADOW OF STEVEYOS'S BULK"
-END CHAPTER II-
As two white zeros and two rows of brilliantly sharp teeth emerged from the darkness, everyone was relieved to find there was no African hidden among the decor, for it was only Monde who is either or Pakistani or Indian (wewgas, hes adorable in the creepiest ways). "Fellas, Fellas, Fellas... what in the world is that reek!?!"
"We don't know! That's what we're trying to deduce" cried the previously mentioned users.
"Has anyone seen Plug Drugs as of late?" mentioned Cag.
"No but why would you be asking that, have you finally taken a liking to his red rocket photos?" quickly rebutted Monde.
"...Don't remind me. Anyway, he hasn't made any posts in days- could it be that he finally ended his life after you told him to fuck off and get help and then began to flirt with rootbeer?!" spoke Cag.
"Oh boy I hope that's the case because that would supplement our winter rations of funny posts. Of course his remains will need to be cleaned up and his accounts deleted- we will have to alert Clay." DP uttered.
So Doli and DP walked up the creaking spiral staircase in the center of the room, up towards plug drug's quarters. Monde tagged along. The wind outside started blowing intensely. Cag and Lisa started fighting. KNOCK KNOCK, the old oaken door sounded as Doli took a step back. There was no answer. Monde squeezed between the two hesitant crackers and barged through the door.
"WHAT THE..." worded a figure in front of an crt television set in an otherwise unlit room.
"Fuck... your still alive" said DP.
"What are you guys doing here?" asked plug drugs.
"You haven't posted in a few days, we we're hoping you had killed yourself and that your rotten body was the source of that shitty smell that lurks around Ruby's social club for gay nigger dicks and faggot shut-ins." said Doli.
"No, I haven't had any weed or pills for the past week so I figured I would kill time watching my grandma's vhs tapes until my dealer re-ups" addressed plug drugs.
"Ok well, see you later in a 0 replies philosophy thread pluggy" concluded the three as they left plug drugs swampy abode.
-END CHAPTER III-
Later that evening the Ruby's Gentleman Social Club was full of energy, Stevey was making cag threads, Cag was making Lisa threads, Garfield and Jon we're spamming elz's personal email inbox with flacs. Cberry and Maks started a fiery debate with Codey about electronic toothbrushes. Cam and Link started listing all the various ethnicities of women they have have interpersonal relationships with (Link had clearly slept with more 18 and 19 year old white girls). Tek was no where to be found- rumor had been heard that he was being directed to clean his house by his wife while still trying to figure out why anyone would like irn bru. The odor had still drowned the entire room with a slightly familiar smell gone entirely wrong- almost a cheesy musk.
"I still haven't been able to put my finger on where that smell is coming from..." announced Doli. This was one thing all the users could agree on. That smell had to be dealt with. It was driving all the under aged asian blacks away from the rubynet message board and back to youtube video comment threads. DP felt something was odd. He was back in his favorite spot in the club, by the window and the fireplace, back against the wall as he squatted over the stool staring off towards the few filled picture frames hung about the walls.
"Whats going on here, the clues must be hidden away deep in some old thread. Or hidden in plain sight!!!!" DP thought to himself. "I've Got It!" he exclaimed to the rest of the users. "Earlier today when I first noticed the disturbing smell I was in this exact spot, admiring the various painting of jack from lost. It has come to my attention that one of these painting isn't of Jack, in fact its not even a painting."
"What the hell are you going on about now?" retorted Lisa.
"This frame, earlier today featured jack sitting in a computer chair- now jack is missing but the computer chair is still there. This is because this frame hold no painting, rather it surrounds a hole in the wall which leads to the bedroom of a jack look-a-like who is none other than Ruby Calaber Internet Hero (and infamous autistic faggot)! And look, In his computer chair lies a yellow runny gift. An infamous cheesy mac shit to stink up the whole forum, even the herpetarium." reviled DP.
"If that's really a portal to ruby's room, then where is ruby?" asked Cag.
"Obviously in his sister's panty drawer you stupid bitch!!!"
the end
